Submissive’s Guide to Giving Head

submissive_sign (Photo credit: CapesTreasures.com)

Okay, okay. So that was kind of misleading. Well, sort of. See, I did write a Submissive’s Guide to Giving Head over the weekend, but I just didn’t publish it here, I did it over at Eden. It seems I have a minor obsession with this place.

But it’s weird. I kind of feeling like I’m cheating. I’ve got my lovely little blog here, that has been there for me for the last 11 months. And here I am, neglecting it, just for a few sex toys and orgasms (but cum on, really, who can blame me?).

And what makes it worse, this is exactly the type of stuff I wish I was still posting about. I love the factual pieces, and my masturbation guide, how to squirt and nipple torture posts are and always have been my most popular pieces. It’s what I set out to do, all those many months ago, and here I am, doing it some place else, not here.

*shrugs* It is what it is.

Anyway, I thought I’d throw out the link, just in case anyone wanted to read it! But of course, I can’t link because of WP. So here you go, if you care enough, you gotta do it old school.  http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/advice/submissive-s-guide-giving/

*hugs and kisses* y’all. Expect to hear from me soon. After all, I’m supposed to be writing a novel, and I need things to distract me! And it seems to be award season again in these parts!

(see that little widget at the bottom right hand side of my page. It should be reading 20k by the end of tonight. Still 4,000 words short, but I don’t think the 8,000 I pushed out the last two days is anything to scof about!)

In Response to “Men’s Complaints About Women”

Flogger 02 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone off on LSAM.  And I mean truly gone off and freaked out and ranted and raved about something I’ve read.  Months, at least.  And honesty, I wasn’t even going to write tonight, I was simply going to do a meme, as I’m tired as shit, it’s been a long Monday, which followed a long, sore weekend **good and bad sore.  After Friday night, M had me where I was sore both on my pussy and my ass, and then too much alcohol and Ritalin, accompanied by a 5 am bedtime, left me with a very sore head and attitude**.  But then this article stumbled across my feet, and my filter was removed, and know I’m spilling it onto you my dear readers.  You’ve been warned.  Rant approaching.

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E-Harmony published this article, “Men’s Ten Biggest Complaints About Women,” on their dating advice column.  And you know what, I’ll give it to them, some of them are true.  But none-the-less, I’ve got to respond, as it is physically impossible for me to keep my mouth shut or my fingers still at this point.

Without further ado, your biggest complaints gentlemen…

1.  You see us as projects you can fix.

• Ok…  this is going to sound really bitchy, but the fact is we do.  Because you are.  And it’s not that you necessarily need fixed, because you don’t, but it’s what we do.  Like if my car has a rattle, you know what I do?  I ignore it.  But the first time M is in my car, he’s turning down the radio, listening intently, deciphering the different sounds of metal on metal.  He’ll tinker until he finds what’s wrong, and then he’ll fix it.  It’s just what he does.  Well, we are the same in a way.  We’ll pry and nose around, until we find something that needs to be fixed.  Maybe you have a sister who you don’t talk to anymore.  Well, we’ll fix that.  Give me her number.  Maybe your couch is from your great-grandmother’s basement, circa 1975.  Yep, we’ll fix that one too.  Sometimes, boys, you need to be fixed (come on, the couch can go).  But sometimes  you don’t (maybe there’s a reason you don’t talk to the crazy bitch).  But the fact remains, we are going to try to fix it, whatever it is that we think we can make better.  Because that what it comes down to.  We want you to excel.  We want you to be happy.  We want don’t want to be psycho bitches, and freak out at unnecessary times, so we try to “fix” those little things that lead us to banchee-like behavior.

2.  Your expectations are set by Hollywood, and sky-high.

Cinderella – Prince Charming & Cinderella (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Yep, and no argument from me there.  But the sad part is, it’s not only Hollywood.  It’s Disney, and fairy tales, and happily ever afters.  It’s romance novels and men who can read your mind, last all night, and find your clit in the dark after 3 bottles of wine.  We are fed this bullshit about “Prince Charming” and led to believe that it is true, when it is not.  I have a dark prince, and I love him with all of my being, but it took me a long time to realize that no man is going to be able to read my mind, and that if  I want him to get me off, it’s my place to show him.  “Perfect” doesn’t exist.  And you know what, I’m no fucking Cinderella or Chasey Lane either, so it works out.  My advice?  Find someone you can talk to, even when you’re angry.  Find someone you can tolerate, even when you are super pissed off because they just washed your favorite cashmere sweater, with the towels, in hot water.  Find this person, and you’ve got it made.

3.  You’re always looking down the road.

• Well, we do have a biological clock gentlemen.  And really, many of us don’t want to be this way, but there is more pressure put on us to reach certain milestones, like we’re learning to walk.  Graduate college by 22, career at 25, marriage 28, etc, etc, etc.  Ask any new bride how many times in the first 6 months after marriage she was asked when she was going to start having kids.  There is always pressure for the next thing.  You must plan, you must be ready, you must keep moving.  It’s all part of the alpha female thing.  I don’t know.  It’s fucked up, and most of us wish it wasn’t that way.  But the fact remains, if we weren’t planning ahead, “looking down the road,” and we left it up to you guys…  Well, we might as well pull up a chair and take a seat, because we might still be in this same spot ten years from now.  Maybe not, but most women aren’t going to risk that.

4.  You use your emotions as a weapon.

• Well of course we fucking do.  What the hell do you expect?  For us to keep all that shit inside!  Are you nuts?!  Most girls don’t cry on purpose, and if they do, they’re assholes.  I do not cry to play the trump card, believe me.  I hate crying in front of M, and it often makes me feel like I’m acting like a baby or that I’m weak.  And if it’s hormonal, it’s even worse, because I know I’m acting crazy (you should have seen me when I was pregnant—NUTTY!), but the emotions just pour out of me.  So, guys, keep in mind that we are emotional beings.  You are not (and if you are, chances are we think you are a pushover and/or a momma’s boy).  Therefore, it makes us seem even crazier.  But it is what it is.  Don’t fight it, it’s kind of like trying to swim against the tide.  Instead, embrace it.  Give us a hug, change your tone, reassure us in whatever it is that made us emotional.  And then back the hell out of there and go play in the sand or something, before you get pulled right back in.

5.  You have a tendency to be critical.

Barbara Billingsley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Hmm…  I don’t have an excuse for this one.  Except that some women feel we are being pulled in 196 directions at once.  We are mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, wives, co-workers, girl scout leaders, soccer moms, and on the mother-fucking PTA.  We get up at 6, get the kids off to school, get ready for work, work 8 to 10 hours, come home, cook dinner, run to baseball practice, back home for bath, then homework, kids to bed.  And then throw a load of laundry right before you run to the grocery store because you’re out of coffee and don’t want to behead one of your kids the next morning.  And, through all that, we are expected to keep our legs shaved, lipstick fresh, and want to suck your cock before bed (*yummy*).  Give me a fucking break.  It’s hard work.  And I’m lucky; M’s fucking fantastic.  He cooks most nights, helps with the kids, and lets me sleep in on weekends.  There isn’t much more I could ask for.  But understand, we have this June Cleaver ideal that we were raised with.  We need to do it all.  We need to be all these things.  We need to be the mom with her hair still looking nice at the end of a 5 hour birthday party.  The wife that has the great dip during poker night.  We want the promotion.  We want a sparkling house and god-fucking-damn it, why do you need to lay down and take a nap every night after dinner!  You see, it’s not so much about you, it truly is mostly about us.  And our craziness.  And that thought process of what we think we need to be spilling out onto you.  Don’t worry too much about it.  If it becomes a true issue, believe me, you’ll know.

6.  You like to play coy.

• Shut the fuck up.  You like it when we play coy.  And I’m not saying mind games, but I truly believe that many men like a little cat and mouse.  Afterall, isn’t the enjoyment in the hunt?  But fuck, I’m not really coy.  I flat out tell it how it is, because I don’t like games.  But we never want to come off as desperate.  And let me tell you, I don’t know how easy it is to be in your thirties (or twenties or forties) and find a single, good-looking guy who has it all together.  So when we find you, we are sometimes a little… eager, and don’t want to come off that way.  So what do we do, we play coy…  Instead of letting you know that we checked the phone every five minutes all day, waiting for you to call.  And canceled our plans for Friday night, just in case.  And that we are going to name our first son Bruce.  Believe me, coy is always better than crazy!

7.  You fixate on what we’re thinking, when you should bewatching what we’re doing.

centre (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Ummm…  maybe you should think a little more and do a little less.  That thought ever cross your mind?  And the fact is, you are confusing as hell sometimes, so we need to ask questions about what you’re thinking because you don’t fucking open up about it.  How about you tell us what’s on your mind, even if it is wondering what color underwear She-Ra wore.  How about you share what’s going on in that head of yours, because, guess what guys, we can’t read minds either.  And whatever your thinking (unless you’re a douche bag), it’s not going to be worse than what we think you are thinking.  We think you are thinking of fucking the neighbor down the street who sits at her pool in her string bikini (if you are thinking that, lie).  We think you are thinking that I look fat in these jeans and my hair is all frizzy, when really, you are probably simply thinking, “football.”  Tell us, it doesn’t have to be much, but sooth us by knowing that it’s not some horrible deep dark secret…

8.  You don’t understand and/or like our need for alone time.

• This is a hard one for me, because I’ve been this girl, and I struggle not to be anymore (but M, if you are reading, always call when you’re not coming home, its common curtisy…  And return at least SOME of my texts, that cuts down on the bitchiness).  This, gentlemen, is simply about our insecurities.  We do understand.  Fuck, you don’t think we want time out with the girls.  But we just worry, because you always hear the horror stories (fuck, anyone watch The Hangover).  And you know what, you’re a great catch, and you’re pretty fucking hot, so we worry that some chick with fake boobs and a golden tan is going to come over and try to take you from us.  And we are not there to stand our ground and cat-fight the bitch.  So, that’s where this issue comes from.  Not an excuse, but simply an explanation.

9.  You have a complicated set of double standards.

BDSM (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Don’t we all?  That’s why I’m in a D/s relationship.  Because much of this has disappeared from M and I’s dynamic.  We both know what to expect from one another, and if it doesn’t happen, then it’s discussed and we implement strategies to fix the problem and move forward.  I think much of the double standards that women set are simply because there is little communication about what they need/want and they don’t know how to ask/receive it.  For instance…  we all say we want a man in touch with his emotions, or his feminine side.  But when he is, he’s chastised for being “girly” or a mommy’s boy or some other thing.  Some of the time, we don’t know what we want or need guys.  So it’s not always double standards, but more of mixed messages I think.  Because we don’t know.  What we are told we are supposed to want often times contradicts what it is we actually need.  Again, that’s why I have my Sir.  He often knows my needs better than I do, and can get to those wants that I’m afraid to say I want…  Mmmm.  Sorry, got distracted on a lovely little thought there.

10.  You want us to change, and then lose respect for us when we do.

• Again, that’s because we don’t know what we want.  We think we want one thing, but then when we get it, it’s not done quite right and we can’t send it back again.  And, really, don’t you know that we run at the mouth a lot?  We may say things, but we don’t want you to do everything we say.  A pushover is never hot.  Not ever.  Not even in a sub, I’d venture to say.  Have a backbone, grow a set of balls, and stand up for yourself.  That’s what I want.  And you know what, sometimes, karma’s a bitch, so be careful what you ask for ladies, as you may just get it.

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All in all, not a whole lot of ranting.  And there were many points I agreed upon.  But explanations are still necessary, as I feel that I have to defend us, the dear sweet women in the room.   (Hi ladies *waves*).  And my responses, these are generalizations of how I see things.  Sometimes, I’ve been told, my vision is faulty.  But I’ve said it before guys, women are crazy.  Every single one of us.  Some may hide it better and some may not.  Some are bad, and others are worse.  But deep down, we are all a little bit nutty.  And if you’ve got a girl who denies that, whoa buddy, you best watch out, as those are the worst ones….

*hugs and kisses* y’all.  Good night!

9 Weeks: Week 6

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking 9 weeks project.  I’m at the point that this thing is just a thorn in my side.  I was just looking over the project, and the last post, Week 5, was done over two months ago.  What the fuck, LSAM?  Get this fucking thing finished!  Arghh!!

So, I’m going to try.  Week 6 is probably one of the more interesting thus far, as it brings a little kink in to play.  Week 6 is entitled “Breaking Out of Your Sexual Routine” and is basically about bring some spice into the bedroom.  Without further ado, here we go, diving into this nasty little thing.

Fantasies and Role-Play

Plaid skirt, nylons, shibari chest harness, spreader bar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• The article discusses how, as adults, most of our “Play time” is competitive, and someone always loses, such as in sports and games.  Unless we are “playing” in the bedroom, which, hopefully, means that everyone wins!  If you are new to sharing fantasies, start alone, and imagine what you like.  Think of the specifics:  the scenarios, characters, props, etc.  Verbalize these things to yourself, jot thee down if you have to.  Then, when you are ready, share them with your partner.  Discuss which things turn you both on, and what you are willing to “play.”
• And now the fun part.  Prepare you role-play out.  Outfits, for me, seem to be the easiest to start with.  Whether it’s a school girl (M’s favorite, by the way), a maid, or a naughty secretary, much of the time you may be able to come up with things from your own wardrobe.  If not, check out a local thrift shop.  If you want to go full-out, many online sex toy shops have thousands of “play” outfits to choose from.
• Get into character.  Talk like your character.  Use words your character would use.  Walk like them.  For instance, in the school girl scenario, twirling your hair around your finger and acting “meek” may make the experience.
• A big thing to remember…  Things do not always play out in life as they do in fantasy.  Communication is key to keep things exciting and not end up disappointed.  Do not be afraid to stop in the middle of something if you really want it to be going in a different direction.  But still, even with great communication, things are not going to be the same as they are in your head.  My suggestion?  Just roll with it, as you never know where things may end up!
• If you are role-playing something a bit kinky, and that is not part of your normal bedroom play, remember to implement a safe-word, especially if your fantasy involves non-consentual play.  This is not only important for you, but for your partner as well.  They need to know that you are safe and enjoying the scene, even if the words, “No, please, no” keep coming out of your mouth.

Playing with his Butt

A woman wearing a strap-on dildo about to engage in anal sex with a man. Português: Mulher vestindo consolo prestes a realizar sexo anal com homem. Deutsch: Eine Frau trägt einen Umschnalldildo, um mit einem Mann Analverkehr zu haben. עברית: אשה לובשת סטרפ-און דילדו ועומדת לקיים סקס אנאלי עם גבר (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• “Bend Over Boyfriend”  There was a few different section regarding male anal play, and although I have little experience in this, I’m going to share what they put out, as well as throw in a few pointers of my own.  First, remember, the ass if full of nerves and things that feel pleasurable when touched, prodded, fondled, etc.  And these pleasures are not gender specific.  I have a lot of male friends that would cringe at the idea of anal play, mostly because they are fearful of their sexuality.  Regardless, anal play will feel good, even if you are straight.  But if you are uncomfortable with the idea, if it makes you clench your cheeks together, then don’t try it.  It’s okay not to want your ass played with just as much as it’s okay to want your ass played with.  Just don’t judge.  To each their own.
• Trust and communication are paramount to enjoying anal play, especially for a beginner.  Talk to your partner about your interest in it and what your limits are.  As things progress, keep these lines of communication open, especially during and after anal play.
•  Begin some anal play while you masturbate and incorporate small steps into your sex life.  Start with your fingers, not a fucking strap on, for christ’s sake.  Maybe throw in a rim job or two.  Maybe a small plug.  Take baby steps.    **Remember to practice safe anal play.  Use lots of lube.  Make sure the area is clean.  Some people are more comfortable wearing latex gloves during anal play.  Never ever have anything (finger, toy, cock, etc) in the ass, and then put it in another body part before washing it.**
• And then there is the real “Bend Over Boyfriend”:  Pegging.  Find a harness that you are comfortable with.  Ideally, you would buy one at a store where you have the opportunity to try it on for comfort and fit, but that is not a reality for many.  Either way, even if buying online, make sure the harness is snug, as you don’t want it slipping around.  There are many different styles, but as a rule, the more straps on the harness, the better control you will have during the “fucking.”  Make sure the dildo that fits the harness has a flared base, and is rather firm, as it is ass play, and even a real cock that’s not 100% hard is sometimes difficult to penetrate.  From my research, a 5″ dildo is a good size for beginners.  It’s not too big to be overwhelming, but is still long enough that you won’t be pulling out with every thrust.  Once you are in the act a few pointers…  Again, lots of lube.  You don’t need his first anal fucking to be dry.  Get into position and line up the dildo with his ass.  Let him push back against you, slowly, allowing his sphincter muscles to adjust (do you remember the first few times you got fucked in the ass, and going in an inch felt like a fucking mile?).  Once full penetration has been accomplished, keep your thrusts slow and shallow, at least until you see how he reacts.  Add in some sexual touches, on his back, his shoulders.  Depending on his size, you may be able to reach around and fondle his junk, but maybe not.  And, as a sidenote, many men lose their erections during anal play.  Keep that in mind if you notice he’s at half mast…  Don’t panic, I’m sure he’s still enjoying himself.
• And, just because I can’t say it enough, talk, talk, talk.  Before, during, and after!!

Tantra

• “Tantric sexuality represent one of the oldest examples of a philosophy of spiritual sexuality”.  Tantra, literally ”tools for expansion”, is a practice that is 1500 years old.  By adding elements of tantra to your bedroom play, you can increase awareness of yourself, your partner, and the energy you are creating.  It can amplify not only your sexual energy, but add to the whole experience as well, allowing you to slow things down and focus on each individual moment.  By doing this, it can lead to greater awareness, and a better understanding of our sexual selfs.  Some say it can even lead to enlightenment.  Meditation, before and during, assist with the tantric practices.  I am no expert on tantra, although tantric exercises are what aided me in learning my body better, especially my squirting orgasms, and therefore, I am not going to elaborate on the specifics of tantra.  If you are interested, I suggest you look around for some literature on the subject, or find a teacher in your area.  There is a lot of good information out there, but some of it is bullshit, so keep that in mind.
• As a final note on tantra, remember, even though much of it is sexually based, it is not focused on orgasm or ejaculation.  It is about awareness and focusing…

A Few Final Things

English: Two women touching each other Deutsch: Lesbischer Sex: Eine nackte Frau greift einer anderen Frau, die nur mit einem Seidenslip und Netzstrümpfen bekleidet ist, in die Unterwäsche, während die letztere der erstgenannten die Hand zwischen die Beine legt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• One person show:  Masturbate in front of your partner.  This demonstrates how and where you like to be touched.  Are you shy?  Then blindfold yourself first.  Start playing, and then have your lover quietly come in and sit down.  It may be way more fun than you ever imagined…
• Mutual Masturbation:  If you don’t mutual masturbate with your partner, then I suggest this is the one thing you should take from this whole post.  It can be an intimate, fulfilling experience.  Lay with one another, touch yourself.  Touch each other.  Watch.  Mutual masturbation can benefit a partnership in many ways.  It can ease the strain when one partner wants to fuck more than the other.  It can show your partner what you like.  You can watch how they touch themselves.  Shit.  This one is getting me all distracted, as watching M touch himself often puts me over the edge.  Damn, I’m getting excited just thinking about it!
• Take Breaks:  When your fucking, take random breaks.  Catch your breath.  Slow down.  Relax.  Talk for a moment.  And then jump back in.  It can rejuvenate the experience, and often lead to more intense orgasms.

Other Things to Read

• I’ve added a few links to some of my previous posts that relate to some of the things above, just in case you wanted a bit more information…
• The Prostate:  Your Guy’s G-Spot
• Mindful Sex
• Masturbation as Stress Relief
• Men and Fantasies
• Sharing Fantasies

Threesomes: Putting It All Together

Image via Wikipedia

If you’ve followed along, you know about my brief series on Threesomes.  Well, we’ve covered if your ready, preparing for the problems, and finding a third.  Now it’s time to get down to business.

Pre-Event

There are things that will need to be done before the threesome actually occurs.

• Set the rules, which, if you’ve read any of my previous thoughts on this, you would have already done.  And I don’t just mean the rules between you and your partner.  Your third very well may have her own rules as well (**Side note** I am typically referring to a FFM, as this is what I have experience with…  Once I’ve had a MMF, you can bet your ass I’ll be writing about that too).
• Be prepared.  Have things you may need throughout the night.  Lube, condoms, dental dams (if you’re using them), and whatever else you may want to play with.  And, if this is your first time, and you didn’t discuss it earlier, don’t go too crazy here.  I mean, I’m all for a good flogging, but it may freak out a stranger that you just invited to your bed if you pull out a cat-o-nine and a butt plug the size of your wrist.  You may want to save those for the second date.  Or third.
• Safety first.  I’ve talked about it before, and I’ll talk about it again.  Wrap it up, at a minimum.  And change condoms when switching back and forth between girls.  And I know it sounds like a stupid pain in the ass, but so is herpes.
  

  Image via Wikipedia

Meeting

You will need to decide when and where to meet to get the evening started.  And there are many options to consider, depending on your idea of what the overall feel of the night should be.

• Restaurant.  Dinner is always an option, but it will make it feel more like a date, not just fucking.  Either is fine, depending on your preference.  If you are looking for solely sex, than dinner may not be the best bet.  But if you are looking to woo your third, than this is a great idea.
• Club or Bar.  This allows you to mingle a bit.  Have a few drinks (and just a FEW… like two or three, no more) and relax into each others’ company.  Again, this will make the night a little more of a date, but not as much as going out to dinner.
• Bedroom.  Where ever that may be (at your home or a hotel).  Doing it this way leaves no
  

  Image via Wikipedia

  impression that the night is about sex anything other than sex.  Pure and simple, raw, hot sex.  The important thing to remember if you are just getting right to it, is what do you do from the point of her knocking on the door until you get into bed.  Someone will have to make the first move.  And this all depends on the situation and the girl.  Talk about this before hand.  You don’t want everyone standing around with their hands in their pockets, not knowing what to do.

Where

There are many different ways your threesome could play out.  And the scene can become very important.  There are different things to consider when planning where it’s all going to go down.

• Your house — Some people are most comfortable doing it in their own home.  Others not so
  

  Image via Wikipedia

  much.  And some thirds won’t be comfortable coming to your house, especially if it’s in an unknown area.  After all, depending on how you found your third, she could pretty much be a complete stranger…  There are also somethings that you will need to plan for if engaging in a threesome at home.  First, if you have children, make sure they are staying at grandma’s house for the weekend.  You don’t need to have to explain who that other woman in bed with daddy is… Along these same lines, prepare for visitors.  What will you do or say if someone randomly drops in.  You never know, so always plan for the worst…

• I suggest using a hotel.  It’s neutral and puts everyone on the same playing field.  Plus it’s sexy (hotels always turn me on).  There is a rawness there, something a bit naughty, that adds just a bit more edge to the situation.  And, worst case scenario, and the whole situation sucks, not only will you not have a complete stranger knowing where you live, but you won’t have the visual imprint of it every time you walk into your bedroom.

The Main Event

Once things get into motion, it’s easy to get lost in the moment.  But there are things that you need to keep in mind as hands and mouths touch, stroke, and prod.

• There is all sorts of advice out there on who should be the focus of the threesome.  Some say
  you should make your wife the focus of the party, as this will keep her from feeling jealous and rejected.  Others say you should make the third the main receiver, as she is the one that is making it happen for you.  And others conclude that if both women focus on the man, then that will be the ultimate fantasy.  I say fuck all that and mix it up.  In a good threesome, every person is the focus of attention at some point.  Or five points.  Or ten, depending if you’re fucking all night.  Let each person lay back, relax, and get to have two people fawning over them, making them cum.  Why the hell not!
• Along these same lines, there will be times that the main event only really requires two people.  That means that there will be times when one of you has to take a back seat.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t be involved, it’s just you won’t be a main player.  When this happens, there are multiple ways you can entertain yourself (**wink*wink**).  My favorite, is to sit back and enjoy the show.  You are here for a reason, to enjoy a threesome.  To share another person with your partner.  So watch.  Touch yourself.  Enjoy.  You can also just kiss and touch.  No matter
  

  Image via Wikipedia

  what positions and activities, there will always be a body part that you can touch, kiss, lick.  Do it.

• There will most likely be times when things become a little awkward.  Just remember to laugh and move on.
• And remember your check-ins with your partner.  Whether it is a look, or a certain word, or a squeeze of the hand, make sure that you are both doing alright throughout the evening.  If anyone begins to get uncomfortable, stop, discuss it, and then move on.  It may sound lame, but, believe me, it’s worth it.

Afterwards

It’s done.  The sex is over.  You are all exhausted.  Sore.  Satisfied.  Now what?

• Decide beforehand where everyone is sleeping.  Is your third spending the night?  Or is she going home?  If she does stay, is everyone going to be comfortable in the morning?  Will you go for another round (morning wood, anybody)?  Talk about it before things get underway, as it will eliminate the weirdness later.
• Are you going to see her again or was this a one-time-only type of event?  What if she wants to see you again?  Think about it.  Talk about it.  Be prepared for the questions.
• Thank her.  Perhaps even send her flowers with a nice little note, letting her know that you enjoyed your time together.  Again, without her, all you would have had was fantasies.
  

  Image via Wikipedia

• Talk about it with your partner.  What was good?  What was bad?  What could have been better or done differently?  What sort of emotions were there?  Jealousy?  What turned you on?  There is no such thing as talking about it too much.  Especially if it turned you both on.  Why not think about it…  Especially while touching each other…

Final Thoughts

So far, I’ve talked about different aspects of threesomes.  Discussed if you’re ready, talking about it, finding someone, and pulling it off.  What did I miss?  Is there anything you still have questions about?  If so, just ask.  :)

WTF! More Bullshit Relationship Advice

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First, let me apologize.  I feel like I’m ranting, again.  But I didn’t know what to post tonight, and I just came across this, and it pissed me off, so here you go.

Where do people get this shit!  I found this on YourTango.com (whose tag line is Smart Talk About Love), which I get daily emails from.  Sometimes it has interesting articles, which can help to spark my imagination on upcoming posts.  Today was not one of those days.  I was rummaging through my emails tonight, and I see an article titled “She’s Doing Threesomes & He’s Doing Lonesome.”  And I instantly thought about my threesome series and thought it may be interesting to tag.  And then I started reading it…

It begins with a question from a dude who doesn’t trust his girlfriend, as she spends too much time with people she used to fuck, not date, just fuck.  He’s particularly upset, because a “friend,” he doesn’t state if it’s male or female, who she had a threesome with before is spending the night at her home.

The “expert,” Nina Atwood, whose response begins by talking about how the relationship has a lot of “red flags” and continues with “…it’s not okay to have threesomes, and it’s not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you while you blow off your boyfriend. It’s not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity.”

Okay, I understand that sex is different for everyone.  And that my thoughts and feelings are perhaps a little more promiscuous than most.  Or maybe it’s just I’m a little more willing to admit it and talk about it.  But what the fuck.  Who says it’s not okay to have a threesome?  I guess threesomes are not the “norm,” but it’s not like they are uncommon to at least think about, as everyone always says they are a man’s number one fantasy.  And I know they are quite up there on my list, too.

And, I get that you may not want a guy who used to fuck your girl spending the night at her house.  But the way it read, it seemed to me that her friend was a chick.  And lots of girls have threesomes with their friends (okay, maybe not a ton, but I bet in a lot of FFM, the girls were friends).  The girl that was in my threesomes is still my best friend.  And we haven’t fucked around in over 10 years.  And I really don’t ever see us fucking around again.  She was my maid of honor, and I will be her’s next fall.  I still talk to her almost everyday.  And, before her guy moved in, if I was staying at her house, we slept in the same bed.  And we didn’t have sex.

I guess my point is it’s not always about sex.  It’s about friendship.  And sometimes sex just happens.  It doesn’t mean it will always happen.  And if any guy thought he could tell me that I couldn’t see my friend, I think I’d tell him to fuck the hell off.  Even if it was a “committed relationship built around love and fidelity.”  Dumb bitch.  Trying to spread vanilla to the people of the world.

Then she continues, saying,”If you don’t have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can’t expect your partner to have them. But if you do have morals…”  Her chain of thought is if you have had a threesome, or hang out with someone who you had sex with before, then you have no sexual boundaries.  And if you have no sexual boundaries, you have no morals.   So, if I have engaged in consensual, adult sex, and it either involved three people, or I still have these people in my life, I have no morals.  God, I fucking hate people!  And just so you know, I’m trying really hard not to quote out of context.  This is literally two lines down from the last quote.

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Then, she turns the post into a religious monologue, saying “Here’s the reality: Sex is about three things: procreation, connection, and pleasure.”  Ahhh…  Now I understand.  You want us all to have lots of babies that we can’t afford in a world that is already over crowded.  I get it.  Geez, you’d think Michelle Dugger fucking wrote this.  She talks about how the only reason we have the desire to have sex and receive pleasure from it, is because of procreation.  And I don’t disagree.  But just because it developed that way (she uses the word “create”), doesn’t mean that is the only way to use it.  After all, opposable thumbs allowed for tool making, does that mean that they can’t be used for video games?

She ends with “But over time, the “sex without love” person becomes emotionally numb, cut off from the ability to attach and form a lasting commitment.”  The only thing that I have to say to that, lady, is that if your “committed relationship” focused on “love and fidelity” with all your “boundaries” and “morals” leaves you emotional satisfied but dry as a desert, then I’ll take “emotionally numb” and my lack of “sexual boundaries” for a dripping pussy.

And people wonder why we are still a sexually repressed society.

Men and Fantasies

(Photo credit: Idhren)

On the comment string on a recent post, Lily from The Black Leather Belt and I had a brief conversation about men and their fantasies.  I was concerned that M has never really shared fantasies with me.  Even if I’ve flat-out asked, “What are your fantasies?”  He’ll give me blah answers, which have been as lame as, “This,” meaning whatever it is that we were doing at that moment.  Once, he mention a threesome, but could not describe any details to me.  Lily had two thoughts on this…

“One: they feel a little inhibited about revealing those fantasies. I understand that — whatever fantasy currently captivates me during solo sex is often simultaneously hot AND excruciatingly embarrassing;
Two: Men are less likely to have narratives attached to fantasies, not even the “I’m a pizza boy and get an unconventional tip” kind.  I don’t know if #2 is true or not.”

I’m most interested in #2…  and I think Lily has a really smart point.  Men’s fantasies are not like women’s.  M’s fantasies are not going to be like mine.  And I guess I had never considered that.

When I fantasize, there is detail.  God, is there detail!  Sometimes, sex is just the beginning of my fantasizes, not necessarily the main dish.  And there are so many different fantasies I have.  Ones about me.  Ones about me and M.  Ones about me, M, and a girl.  Ones about me, M, and a guy.  Ones about me, M, a girl  and a guy.  Ones about me and strangers.  Ones about me, M, and

White lingerie (Photo credit: teknomnk)

strangers.  Ones about me,  M, and a fucking football team.  You get the picture.  I’ve got lots of different fantasies.  Kinky dark things that creep out of the recesses of my mind.  Plain vanilla ones where I wear white.

I don’t think M really has fantasizes like this.  I think his tend to be about sex.  Pure sex.  No plot.  No characters.  No dialogue.  Just pure raw sex.  I think it may be a boy thing…

So, dear reader…  dear, male reader…  Am I wrong about this?  Or is Lily correct?  You’re fantasies are not the same as ours.  I’m very interested…

And girls, please feel free to comment too.  I’m not trying to leave you out.  Just trying to drive deeper into the male sexual psyche…

Quit Faking It

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It’s time, ladies, to stop.  It’s not helping you, it’s not helping him, it’s not helping anyone.  And I’m sure I’m going to hear it from some of you, giving me multiple reasons of why it’s not a bad thing, but I’m going to disagree…  And I really don’t think I’ll be swayed.  But you never know…

And I’m not going to sit here saying I haven’t done it.  I have.  But not in years.  Years.  Because what’s the point?  If I can’t get off, I can’t get off.  Sometimes that happens.  And it’s nothing to be embarrassed out.  But if you fake it when you don’t cum, you are setting yourself, and your partner, up for failure…

Everyone’s Doing It

Depending on which study you read, at much as 70% of women admit to having faked an orgasm at some point.  And those are just the ones that are admitting to it.  A study completed at Indiana University demonstrated just how real this is.  85% of men responded that their partner orgasmed the last time they had sex…  But only 64% of women reported that they came the last time.  A 21% difference…  Apparently, guys, most of you can’t tell the difference if it’s real or if it’s fake.

Don’t Do It For Him

Perhaps you fake your climax because you don’t want to hurt your guy’s ego.  You think faking orgasms may make your man feel better, more like a man, but really, it doesn’t.  Imagine when he finds out that he’s never made you cum, when he thinks he’s doing it every time.  That’s a shitty blow to his ego.  If the sex isn’t going to get you off, or if he’s not doing it right, you need to tell him.  For him, for you, or every other girl he is going to fuck for the rest of his life.  If you don’t tell him what you need to cum, and fake it instead, how is he ever going to know what to do.  Hell, he thinks he’s doing it right.  So, if the reason you’re not cumming is because the sex isn’t working for you, you need to show him what to do.  Show him where you want touched and how.  And, for Christ’s sake woman, if you don’t know how to make yourself cum, it’s about damn time you learn.  Check out A Female’s Guide to Masturbation.  Because if you can’t make yourself cum, how can you expect anyone else to do it?

Don’t Do It For You

If you are faking orgasms, you’re lying.  Pure and simple.  Not only to him, but to yourself as well. I just read this interesting story about how one woman quit faking orgasms, and all of a sudden, with the “performance” stress gone, she started cumming.  Check it out — I found my orgasm.  If you’re worried about cumming during sex, stop.  There is no reason to stress out about it, and it will most likely decrease your ability to climax.  But faking it is not the answer.  Faking it isn’t allowing you to figure out what you need to orgasm, or giving yourself the opportunity to cum.  If you normally orgasm, and the sex is good, but you still can’t cum…  That happens sometimes.  But don’t lie about it.  Just explain to your man that it’s not a big deal, and you aren’t upset about it.  After all, sex is still great, even without orgasms.  There are so many more aspects to sex than just an orgasm:  exploring, enjoying, sharing…  Don’t focus on just the cumming.

It May Be Anatomy 

It’s hard for many women to cum from intercourse.  In fact, research states that the norm is to not be able to come from sex alone (One study said only 1 in 6 women can orgasm from just intercourse).  In Mary Roach‘s BONK (excellent read by the way, both enlightening and entertaining and btw, it’s not an affiliate link…  I’m not trying to sell it to you, dear reader, simply recommending it), she discusses how the amount of space from a woman’s clit to her vagina

Cover via Amazon

impacts her ability to achieve intercourse orgasms (this interesting article summarizes the information).  If this distance is more than about an inch (2.5 centimeters, actually, as the original study was done in France), it will be much more difficult (perhaps impossible) for you to orgasm from sex alone, which some guess is as much as 21% of the population.  They actually measure from the clit to the urethra, to eliminate as much error as possible.  (You know I had to do this right…  Squatting over a hand mirror on my bathroom floor, it took me much longer to find my urethra than I anticipated, the damn thing is so small.  And I guess I never realized how far down it was, almost to the vaginal opening.  I fall right under (less than a 16th of an inch) an inch, which makes sense, as I tend to be VERY orgasmic…).  If you fall in the over an inch class, don’t be too concerned.  You can still orgasm, just make sure you are using positions that optimize clitoral stimulation, like girl on top (and a quick note on riding your guy…  Don’t do it like they do in porn, bouncing up and down like a jack hammer…  Grind against him for optimal pleasure, sitting upright to tilt your pelvic bone forward so you can get the most stimulation on your clit).  And play with yourself!  Why the fuck not!

Final Thoughts

Whatever you decided to do, is obviously your choice.  I just recommend not faking it.  Why would you?  I’ve done it to please a guy, I’ve done it make sex end quicker.  But really, I could have simply verbalized what was going on, and would not have to do some really bad improv.  Be honest.  It’s your sex life, your orgasm, and your pleasure on the line.  And keep in mind, it’s not only a girl thing.  Guys fake orgasms too.  And from my research, it happens more often than I thought, with up to 30% of guys saying they’ve faked it at least once.  I’m not going to elaborate on this, as I am not a man, and I’m not going to pretend that I have a deep understanding of their psyche.  For my male readers out there, I’d love to hear your comments on men faking it…

And a few questions for you, dear reader.  Do you fake it?  Why?  And men, if she can’t get off, but is enjoying sex, and it has nothing to do with your style/technique (perhaps she’s just tired/stressed/etc) would you prefer that she fake it, or just be honest?

 

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Talk Dirty

The Overly Dirty Talker at The Frisky (Photo credit: rachelkramerbussel.com)

Mmmm…  Yes, right there…  A little harder…  Oh, that’s perfect…

We all like to know that are lovers are enjoying themselves when we are doing whatever it is that we are doing…  sucking their dick, licking their pussy, playing with their ass.  The moans and groans of pleasure are sexy as hell, but you know what’s even sexier…  talking dirty.

But sometimes it’s hard to know what to say.  How do you start?  How do you know your lover will  like it?  What if you sound like a bad porn star?  We all have these concerns, but with a little guidance and some practice, you’ll have Jenna Jameson sounding like your grandma at Sunday mass.

The Basics

You want to start talking dirty.  Or maybe you want your lover to talk dirty to you.  Well, the first thing to do is ask.  There are two options:  one — talk about it before hand, at a non-sexual moment or two — bring it up in the middle of some hot sexy love makin’.  Either way, here are some sexy pointers…

• Ask questions of your lover.  How does that feel?  Do you like it when I do (insert verb)?  Not only will this get you talking, but it opens the door for your partner as well.  It is always sexier when it’s a conversation, and not just one-sided.  Added bonus — you may find out secret things that turn your lover on.  Ask her, “What do you want,”  ”What turns you on?”  Her responses might surprise you…
• It’s okay to use words we normally wouldn’t.  Words like pussy.  Cunt.  Dick.  Cock.  Fuck.  It adds to the rawness, the pure sexuality, of the situation.  Especially if these are words you normally don’t use (if you use them regularly, I’m assuming you wouldn’t be looking for info on talking dirty ).  Using “dirty” language also pushes our limits.  Makes us somewhat uncomfortable.  And if we are uncomfortable, we are aware, sensitive to those things going on around us.  To keep sex alive and sexy, sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone…
• It’s okay to laugh.  We laugh when we are having fun.  Good sex is fun.  If you are just starting to engage in “dirty talk,” be ready to giggle.  You might be nervous, you may feel slightly uncomfortable.  You are more likely to laugh when you are unsure.  It’s okay.  Understand that your partner isn’t going to judge you…  Although it may sound funny, odd, or ridiculous to you, it will turn them on that you are “naughty.”  I promise.

How to Start

• Emails and texts.  Sometimes it’s easier to put things in writing than it is to say them out loud.  If you’re having trouble verbalizing your “dirty talk,” start with sending him a sexy text.  It can be as simple as “last night was great…  thinking of a replay” or “I’ve been
  

  Image via Wikipedia

  thinking of going down on you all day…  are you up for that?”  Or, if you are comfortable with it, and a little more promiscuous, you could try something like “I can’t wait to suck your cock tonight” or “I really need to fuck you.”  Either way, get the conversation going.

• Moan and Groan.  If you aren’t quite ready to put the “naughty” words out there, at least make sure you are letting your lover know that you are enjoying what’s happening.  I’ve always been…  umm…  verbally responsive during sex.  Apparently, I make a lot of noise when I’m getting fucked.  I remember when M and I started sleeping together (way back in the “friends with benefits” stage), he was behind me, fucking me doggy style, and I was cumming underneath him.  He started to pick up speed, leaned over me and whispered in my ear, “Oh my God, you make so much noise,” and came, well before he wanted to.  Up til that point, I had never even noticed.  But, in hindsight, I guess I am rather noisy!
• Once you are comfortable expressing your pleasure through sounds, it is time to move forward.  If you don’t know where to start, talk about what is going on, what he’s doing to you…  Examples:  ”I love it when you lick my pussy like that,” “You feel so tight,”  ”You’re mouth is so warm,”  ”You’re cock is so hard,” “You’re pussy is so wet,” …  You get the picture.  If you are hesitant, just say something (anything) and see what the response is.  I’ll bet that it will be a positive.
• Keep in mind that giving an exact play-by-play isn’t that sexy.  It’s hot to say “You cock is so hard.  I love it when you fuck me.”  It’s not so sexy to say “Now I’m licking your pussy.  Now I’m fucking you.  I’m rubbing your clit…”  yada, yada, yada.  There is an extent to the play-by-play.  Say how good it feels, don’t detail your every move.
• Explain what you want.  ”I really love it when you (verb) my (body part).”  Whether it is lick my pussy or fuck my ass, well dear reader, that is all up to you.  But there is never any shame in telling your lover what you want from them.  Telling them what turns you on.

Examples

If you want to talk dirty, but don’t know what to say, fake it til you make it.  After all, practice makes perfect.  If you are at a lack of ideas, try some of these…

• You taste so good.
• You are so beautiful when you cum like that.
• Ride me.
• Harder.
• I want you to suck my cock.
• It feels so good when your fingers are in my pussy.
• I want to make you cum so hard.
• Tell me what you want…

Related articles

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9 Weeks to Better Sex?

So, reader, I am going to take you on a journey with me.  I subscribe to many blogs, emagazines, newsletters, etc, all focused around sex, relationships, kink…  And one of the random e-mails I was reading through today was from about.com Sexuality site.  It is a “course” for lack of a better term, that sends weekly updates, suggestions, and sex facts that will help lead you to a better sex life in 9 weeks.  M and I have a pretty good sex life, but there is always room for improvement, right?  And, hell, I’m always up for a challenge.

Here we go week 1…

• Forget everything you know about sex–Goodness.  I don’t think I can do this one.  Sex is a huge part of my life.  Not only do I think about it all the time, but I read about it all the time (you should see my download list on my Nook), talk about it often, and try it do it as much as possible.  But the point, I think, is to drop your preconceived notions on sex.  The commercialization of sex.  The insecurities, guilt, shame that you have surrounding sex.
• Ask yourself, “What’s better sex for me?”–Better sex for me would include a little more sex (especially sober sex).  A little more kink.  And a little more squirting.  I think maybe I’m a greedy bitch!
• There is a handful of readings, and I haven’t completed them yet.  Hell, I haven’t even started them.  But I will.  I promise.  The readings are about what sex is, how it can be great, quantity vs. quality, and sexual desires and interests.  I’ll give you updates on these as the week progresses.
• The exercises–This week, there are two.  The first is specifically about communication and verbalizing what you want, specifically.  It gives you prompts about what you think about sex and how you talk about it.  I’ll do this and post it sometime soon.  The second is to imagine that you can only do one sexual act for a week, a month,
  

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  and a year.  What would it be?  This is a tough one.  For all the “sexual acts” that I love, if I could only do one, off the top of my head I would say doggy style.  But then I love to ride on M while he tugs my nipples.  I love to 69.  And I like to masturbate.  If I could only do one thing, would masturbation be it, so I don’t need to rely on anyone other than myself?  I don’t know.  Still thinking about it.  When I post about this at the end of the week, I’ll give you my final answer.  But, dear reader, I’m very interested in your answer…  If you could only engage in one sexual activity for a week, a month, and a year, what would it be?

• Journaling–The last step for the week is journaling about sex and what better sex is to me.  There is a short series of four questions, designed to get you thinking about what you are looking for in your sex life.  I’m going to do these.  I don’t know if I’ll post them or not.  It depends on how they turn out.  If they’re lame, you won’t seem them, if not you will.

Anyway, I’m starting this journey tonight.  And as I am sitting here typing, I’m trying to decide if this will be a sharend or a “secret” journey.  Do I ask M to partake in with me?  Obviously, he’ll play a role either way, but I haven’t decided if he’ll know about it yet.  If anyone is interested, follow this link and do the program.  We’ll see what happens.  I’ll keep you posted!

 

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Quit Using Sex as a Weapon

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If you do this stop.  It’s not nice.  In a relationship, I don’t believe that you should ever use sex as a weapon or for leverage (unless you are in a D/s relationship and it’s wrapped up into your life, but that’s a different post for a different day).  Don’t withhold sex because your mad at your man because he didn’t take out the trash.  Not only is it bed for your relationship;  it’s a bitch move.

I don’t understand.  I remember doing this once early in M and I’s relationship, and I later wrote a paper about it for a Non-Fiction class in college, describing how hard it was.  So, I guess I shouldn’t say that I don’t understand, it’s perhaps better to say I don’t have the willpower.  I like sex.  A lot.  I don’t want to go without just cause I’m mad or angry.  And I get that if you are mad or angry, you don’t want to have sex and that’s okay.  Don’t have sex.  But if you are just being spiteful, it’s time to stop.  You and your partner will be happier.  You’re marriage will be better.  And, at least in my relationship, there will be an increase in respect.

With Feeling or Without, I Don’t Care

Sex is emotional, and these are still emotions.  Some of the best sex I’ve had is when I’m mad or angry.  The sex becomes different, primitive.  Cathartic.  You can put it all out there without saying a word. 

And although I like emotional sex, sometimes it’s nice to just break from the emotions and fuck.  Sex isn’t always a ”relationship building” session; you don’t have to make “love.”  Just get off.  I can do that when I’m mad.  Hell, I like to do it when I’m angry, a focus for my frustration.

Tsk, Tsk

Once, when a friend and I were chatting, he told me that I “give it up” too easily.  He suggested that I don’t have sex with M when I’m mad or when I want something.  My mouth dropped open.  Really?  Why?  So he gets so horny that he’ll go buy me a new IPod?  Wtf.  Another friend criticized me for “liking sex too much” that I wasn’t willing to hold out when pissed.  But, you know what?  M and I have the best sex life of anyone I know.  Not only do we have sex more often, with more variety, but I tend to think it’s better sex. 

So girls, if you do this stop.  And guys, I know you sometimes do it too.  You should understand the importance of regular sex, whether meaningful or not, and the role it plays in not only your relationship, but how well you get along.  Shame on you!

Next time your pissed at your lover because they said something stupid about your brother, stay mad if you want.  It’s okay.  Just make sure that you’re not letting it interfere with your sex life.

 

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