If you missed Day 1, I’m participating in a 30 Days of Submission meme that I found over at LunaKM’s. So without further ado, let’s get on with the show.
Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
I submit to M. And although I should not attempt to predict the future, I can’t ever imagine submitting to anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, it different circumstances, I could see myself bottoming to someone, or topping for that matter, but not submitting. I will never be collared to someone else and he will be the only Sir I ever have.
And I don’t think it has to do with the fact we’re married or that he is my husband. It has more to do with our relationship, our connection, our ability to trust each other. I don’t think I could give that gift to someone else. It is too deep in my soul and in my heart. Something, that no matter what the future holds, is only his.
As I’ve mentioned before, my submission is not only in the bedroom, but part of our daily life. But the more I think on this, I realize this has little to do with rules or obligations. It does not matter who’s fucking who or what we call one another. Because my submission, more than anything, is a mindset. It’s how I want to devote myself to M, be all I can be for him. It’s how I know he’ll protect me, care for me, nurture me.
Take that away, and it’s just sex. Fun sex, but just sex nonetheless. If M were never to spank me, twist his hand into my hair, or wrap his fingers around my neck, I would still be submissive to him. I would still submit to his will, where ever it would take me. And I would trust in him, that it was just where I needed to be.
I’ve had these writing prompts floating around in my drafts for over a year. I came across them at Submissive Guide, which I’d recommend to anyone interested in D/s, both novices and those with more experience. LunaKM wrote a great explanation of how to use these prompts to grow and understand your own submission even more. So, without further ado, here we go.
1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
When I refer to my own submission, and M and I’s relationship, I typically talk about our “dynamic.” For me, and I’m thinking this may be very common as I’m sure I picked it up somewhere, when I mention a dynamic, I am speaking of a power exchange. As I mentioned before, I struggle to understand how a true power exchange, as I understand it, can occur in a casual relationship, because it requires a trust that goes beyond casual. A trust that not only incorporates one’s physical well-being, but their psychological self as well.
So what do I mean when I talk about my dynamic? It means that I am submissive and M is Dominate. I means that I desire to submit to his will and to please him. I say desire, because there is a deep craving somewhere inside me that wants this badly. Sometimes, I don’t succeed. Sometimes I’m bitchy and bratty. This morning for example. This morning, I didn’t want to get up. M let me sleep in, coming to wake me about and hour and half after the kiddos were up. But I didn’t want to get up. I whined and bitched and I think I may have even raised my voice, telling him I didn’t give a fuck if he thought it was time for me to get up or not. Even after I finally managed to get out of bed, I was still pissy when I came down stairs, mouthing off and being ignorant.
courtesy of tumblr
And see, the worst part of that whole scenario… That girl, the bitchy one who hates to get up in the morning, that’s not who I want to be. Hell, I don’t want to be the one who gets to sleep in *well… maybe* because I want to give him that gift, the gift of a few more hours of sleep. I want to give him any gift I can. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant. I want to shower him with love and desire, joy and affection. I want to serve him, put his needs before my own. Again, I don’t always succeed, but most times I try. And I’ve got a lifetime to learn to do it better.
Our D/s relationship, as many of you may know, spills heavily out of the bedroom. It doesn’t leak into every aspect of our lives, I still do my own thing at work, even when it angers him, and there are other areas as well that he does not maintain control over. M does not have the desire to control what I do. Instead, he concentrates on things that make me a better mother, a better wife, a better person overall.
And while we do partake in some punishment, I can not truly say that we participate in Domestic Discipline, although there are probably enough aspects of it in our dynamic to do so (for a fantastic explanation of domestic discipline, check this out). It’s kind of the same with Taken in Hand, but I must say, even though we don’t identify as this, it rings true to me, to what I want my submission to be (here is my favorite description of TiH). After writing this, I think I’m going to have to explore both of these D/s branches, as they both have facets I’d like to incorporate into my submission.
Have shown this one before, but I love it! M and I, in the middle of a rather intense scene.
And our personal labels for each other, well they tend to be Daddy and toy, although titles such as Sir and slut have permanent spots in our lexicon. I think Daddy and toy fit us well. M, although he doesn’t label himself as such, has many characteristics of a Daddy Dom (fantastic definition here). He’s loving and caring. He often focuses on my pleasure and is overly appeasing. I know in the deepest part of my soul that he always has my best interest at heart.
And me, I am his toy. Here for his pleasure. For him to play with. For him to enjoy. I am his. To do with as he pleases. To take any way, any time.
So there you go. The first of my 30 days of submission. Probably take a year for me finish the damn thing, but no matter how long the journey, it always begins with the first step.
And because he’s such a good Sir, here is current favorite new song…
Miss Jayne Ayres commented on my last post, which detailed some of the rules of my submission, asking what M’s obligations are to me and what rules He upholds in our dynamic. I must admit, the question had me intrigued, as I’d never truly thought about it.
As many of you may know, the D/s dynamic between M and I was my idea, therefore it was something that He had never really thought about, until that fateful day in April. So, He had no preconceived notions of what it meant to be a Dom. From the beginning, we discussed what I was desiring, as far as my submission, and how He could help me reach it. We talked about what we thought would be fun or interesting, and handled issues as they arose. We still do this, and regularly.
But upon this reflection, there are many things that M upholds as my Sir. I can’t say they are rules, per se, more obligations. So, here you will find the things that M does for me, the things that make Him my Sir, and all add to my devotion and adoration of Him.
He makes me cum. A lot. And He always has, but now He has an ingrained desire to make it happen as often and as hard as He can. He now takes pride in my orgasms, and although He doesn’t demand I ask permission to cum, my orgasms as still His. I am His cum slut, and the intensity and frequency of my orgasms are due to Him. Believe me, I’ve tried to make my body do what it does for M, but I can’t make it come close. Not even by a long shot.
He keeps my best interest in mind at all times, and in many different ways: in life, in love, in bed. He sees what I need and knows what my goals are, and He helps me reach them. He helps me to become a better mother, a better wife, a better person.
He pushes me. Not only in bed, but in life. He has this ability to know what I can take and how far I can reach, and He takes me there. Through this, I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years.
He takes away my insecurities. He makes me know, every day, that I am His. And that He is mine. He declares His love for me often and in many ways. He lets me know that He loves me for me, just the way I am. He makes sure that I know I am good enough, and all that He desires. He makes me feel beautiful and special… always.
He fosters my submission. He recognizes it as a gift from me to my Sir. He sees it as something to grow and nurture and He has taken on this responsiblity as His own.
He is my Sir. You see, again, the D/s relationship was my idea. M became my Sir because I wanted (needed?) to be his sub. Had I never asked this of Him, it is very possible He would never have ventured down this path. So for that, above all else, I am eternally grateful. For that, my love for Him grew into something I had no idea it could become, and our relationship has blossomed from a beautiful rose-bush, into a field of wild flowers. *Thank you Sir*
leash_girls (Photo credit: CapesTreasures.com)
How, you may ask, is this different from any other good marriage? It’s not, it’s just amplified to a degree that it is different, not necessarily better, but different from the normal husband/wife relationship. M, although my Sir, does not dictate every aspect of my life, very few actually. I am still my own person, and I make my own decisions. He helps me along the way. He knows me well enough to know when I’m struggling and when my pride has gotten in my way. At these points, he’s there to hold my hand without me having to ask. And when life is good, and things are worth celebrating (and really, come on, if you look there is always something to celebrate), He will always be there with a glass in hand and a smile upon His face.
Dear Jayne, I don’t know if this answered your question, but it is where your question led. *hugs and kisses*
An absolutely excellent read. Anyone practicing BDSM, or even interested in it, should check this out. A Firm Grip is one of my favorite blogs I just started following.
As many of you may know, I have been struggling sometime with the power dynamic in my relationship with M (this can be seen in multiple back posts including here and here and here). I could never find the way to verbalize what I wanted to M, in a way that made me still feel submissive. After all, if I ask him to pin me down and fuck me, spank me until my ass is candy apple red, or fuck my face like I’m a dirty slut… well, that’s not very submissive. That’s not letting him take the reins and steer the relationship to where he wants it to go. It’s not letting him dominate a fucking thing. If I would ask for these things, it’s just me, still in control, pretending to be submissive. Kind of fucks with the whole idea. It does not set up the dynamic I was seeking, the power exchange between a man and a woman. A true D/s relationship. It would all be role play, me topping from the bottom. idk. It just wasn’t right.
And, many of you, my lovely little pervs, you offered your advice, shared your experiences, and showed different ways in which I could begin implementing D/s into my relationship. Well, it was slow, that’s for sure. It was simple things at first. Being barefoot. Trying to be compliant, complacent in my relationship, traditional, if you will. I attempted to be pleasing to M, pamper him when I could.
And the thing is… The thing that surprised me most of all, was not the changes I noticed in M, but the changes I noticed in myself. Because who the fuck knows if he even noticed. But I did. My mind did. When I’d get home from work, and take my heels off, there would be a twinge of excitement run through me. I would find myself eager to please him, get him something to drink, serve him in anyway I could. It excited me. Made me wet. Ha. I thought I was submissive before, but acting such, even if no one knew I was doing it but me, well… it turned me the fuck on.
So that has been going on for a while… And were there changes in M? Slight, maybe. He became a bit more verbally demanding in our day-to-day. In bed, well, our sex life has been evolving for the last year, more kinks added, more aggressive. And through this, these subliminal submissive changes I was making, things did change slightly in the bedroom. Was it M, unconsciously picking up on my submission? Idk. I think more likely it was me, just being more submissive, and being aware of it. But, regardless of how things were progressing, it was slow, and my loves, patience is not one of my virtues. It was not where I wanted it. Not even close to the extremes that I imagined.
And then… this weekend. I fucked up. I busted myself in a lie. And it blew up in my face. Things came out from years ago. Things I’d kept hidden. M asked questions and I laid it all out on the table. All of it. Told him things I didn’t want to. Things I’ve been ashamed of. Things I have done that I knew were wrong to do, that could hurt our relationship. And they came very close. Any question he asked me, I answered, as honestly as I could. There was a point where he told me if it wasn’t for the children, he’d be gone. This led me to have a bit of a breakdown, and those of you that I reached out to, thank you dearly for your time, thoughts, and words.
M, while, obviously, he was upset with me. I’ve violated his trust in more ways than he knew. And he put his foot down on my ass. Demanded things of me that I was not sure I wanted to give up. But he was taking control of the situation, whether I wanted it or not.
Fucking karma. Here, for months, I have been trying to figure out ways in which tomake M man
leash_girls (Photo credit: CapesTreasures.com)
up and take control of our relationship. Dominate, not just in the bedroom, but in the whole of our life. And doesn’t it fucking figure… I get what I want, but in such an unexpected way. Karma. Go fucking figure.
But, last night, we had this discussion. He tells me we need to talk. I agree. We go upstairs after the children go to sleep… And part of my brain is like “fuck. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of fighting.” But then, he says something along the lines of “This domination thing. Explain it to me.” And I do. And he asks some questions. And I answer them. He asks me if I’d like him to do xyz, if that would be okay. And my response is “honey, you don’t ever have to ask me if will be okay.” So the conversation progresses. And…
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Dominate he did. Claim me as his. Yes. Finally, my heart and pussy sang out. Finally!
Isn’t funny, dear readers, how when we want things, we don’t always know what we will get. Sometimes they happen in the most unfamiliar way possible. Come in packages where we would not expect them. Even yesterday morning, talking to a friend, I was worried. Couldn’t see the forest through the trees. Well, friend, you were right. M, he has found his ground. Defined his role. Dominated.
Christ, am I a happy girl this morning…
And, a song that has nothing to do with anything, except that it talks about the good things…
Yesterday, M, me and the family all headed to Cabela’s. We were in the car for almost two hours each way, which gave me the opportunity to catch up on some of my readings (although I really should have worked on my story… February 28th is just around the corner). I brought Patricia Payne’s Sex Tips From a Dominatrix, and read just about the whole thing on the trip… So here we go… my novice thoughts on BDSM.
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I have my kinks. I always have. I like to be spanked. I like to be tied down. I like dirty talk (“Umm…. yes I am a dirty little slut”). But I don’t know if I ever really identified as a masochist, or even as a submissive (although I am submissive, using the verb, not the noun). But I never really had the desire to search out a Dom. I don’t have the intrinsic need for extremes, and I could not imagine paying someone to let me be submissive or being involved in such an intimate relationship outside my primary partner. To be one of many, to have a professional Dom, seemed to defeat the purpose for me. When I am submissive, when I solely want to please, I do it because it allows me to give up control, to embrace myself in a moment where thought and ego go away, replaced with obedience and trust. Trust. And while a large part of my submissiveness is about pleasing M, giving myself to him, there is a huge part where I trust him to give me pleasure. I trust in him to make me want to cum, because it pleases him when I do.
Payne described it perfectly for me: ”The scene is not so much about pain and suffering as you may have been led to believe. The essence of S&M is not about historical oppression or pathological subjugation. It is about the consensual exchange of power that exists between sexual partners. It is taking someone to the brink.” This is what I want, a relinquishing of power. I am giving myself to you, to do with as you please, for both your pleasure and mine.
Ha! In rereading that, it amazes me that I never really considered myself a sub. But recently, I have come to terms with the fact that although I don’t really consider myself a submissive, I definitely identify as a bottom. (Or maybe a SAM — but only because I like to tease… and be punished accordingly). What’s the difference? Well, according to Payne, a slave is someone living the lifestyle, all day everyday, in and out of the bedroom. A submissive (Sub) “surrenders physical and mental control within an intimate BDSM relationship, but generally independent and
Image via Wikipedia
in control of his or her life otherwise.” And finally, me, a bottom: ”A person who is submissive during a BDSM scene, but not within other aspects of the relationship.” And then we have my bratty side, the SAM — Smart-Ass Masochist — “A masochist or bottom who deliberately provokes a dominant.”
Where I am confused, dear reader, is I don’t know if M identifies as a Top (“A person who sexually dominates a submissive, but does not control other aspects of their relationship”). I guess by definition, if I a bottom, and he contributes to that on a sexual level, then he would be my Top. But I don’t know if that is how he thinks of himself. Does he do it only because it turns me on? Or does he find innate pleasure in it as well? I really don’t know. I have mentioned before that M’s kinks, at least those he embraces, are those that I have instilled in our relationship. My kinks have become his.
And if it is solely for me, where do I take it from here? Light BDSM is something relatively new in our relationship, in a matter of speaking. While M would smack my ass, pull my hair, and do little things like that before, most aspects are recent. The flogging. Putting me over his knee (which he is still hesitant on). Control of sexual situations. Making demands. I want to take it further, fully embrace it, see how far our comfort levels will allow us to go. Gagging. Restraint. But I can’t bring myself to ask for it… And it’s not fear, or even embarrassment, that makes me hesitate. It’s that I want him to do it because he wants it, because it turns him on. Not just to please me… After all, my primary goal is to please him. So where do I go from here?
This post did not go the way I anticipated… That seems to be happening to me a lot recently. I start off over there and end up way over here. I didn’t discuss what I came to discuss, so, dear reader, be prepared for some more BDSM stuff cumming up soon!
