Thoughts on Power Exchange

*Disclaimer: This post may piss a few of you off. That’s not my intent. This is meant to be more of a “these are my thoughts, what are your thoughts.” So if this pisses you off, please tell me what your thoughts on the matter are. I seek to understand…*

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A random series of events led to a conversation between M and I the other day regarding Dominance and submission and power exchange. I think I’m going to have to back up a little bit for this post to have any flow whatsoever, so please bear with me…

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A long long time ago, well before I knew any intricacies of D/s first hand, I wrote a post about different roles in bdsm. It doesn’t really matter what I thought then, but here is what I think now, that is relevant to the point at hand.

• Top/bottom: A Top takes the dominate position in sexual play. They are the one that holds the whip, the one that pulls the hair. This is just for play and enjoyment. A bottom takes the submissive role in sex. They are the one getting flogged, the one that gets choked. Again, this is for enjoyment, and for the bedroom only.
• Dominate/submissive: A Dom is dominate in the bedroom, perhaps outside of it. They choose what is going to happen and do it. A sub is submissive in the bedroom, perhaps outside of it. The do what they are told because they are told to do so. There is an exchange of power. Often there is a mind fuck to some degree.

*Disclaimer: Often times these terms are used interchangeably. But here, I want to distinguish them from one another, for the sake of meaning. Neither of these are better than another. One is not more meaningful or less than the other. They are simply different.*

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In Lily‘s book, she has this quote, which I think is a fantastic demonstration of a power exchange. She is discussing talking to strangers regarding one of her relationships:

I could tell them about the fact that I own 200 feet of premium bondage rope and know how to use it. It might raise their eyebrows a bit, though in this post Fifty Shades world, not very much. But if I really wanted to flip them right out? I’d tell them that I determine my girlfriend’s bedtime.

To me, the power exchange is at the root of a Dom/sub’s relationship. I think without it, there is simply play. More on this later.

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A little while before our date, Paige and I were discussing D/s relationships. She is very familiar with bdsm and considers herself a switch. I had disclosed that M and I engaged in a power exchange, and that our dynamic leaked out of the bedroom. She didn’t know what I meant by power exchange, and had some initial difficulty with the idea. And when I told her about the belt, she nearly panicked. Said something along the lines of “There’s a difference between punishment and abuse.” She struggled with the concept of actually being punished for something and me truly being okay with it.

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Over on Speaking Out on Nate a few weeks ago, there was a discussion of D/s and some of its components, including power exchanges (here and here). Here were some of my comments, with some more explanation that will eventually be relevant, I hope, by the end of this post. There are many other great comments and exchanges over there by some great bloggers, so if you’re interested, check them out.

For me, the D/s dynamic is psychological. The physical is simply the manifestation.

I submit because I want to, because I want to give that gift to M. It’s something deep inside me that helps me express to him the importance of him in my world, the importance of our love and our life. Take away the emotion behind it, the meaning of it, then it’s not there, neither my submission nor his Dominance.

Our dynamic could be in place, just as it is now, without kinky sex. Hell, without any sex. Without nipple clamps or paddles. Without orgasms. *sad face* Without any of that. Because it is a mindset, it is a way of life, it is beyond just fucking.

A D/s dynamic… is an exchange of power. If you take away that exchange, you simply have kinky sex.

And not that there’s anything wrong with kinky sex. I’m a big fan. But I think most of us would agree that D/s is something more than just kinky sex. That “more” is the power exchange.

Power exchange occurs when the sub gives up, to some extent, their power to their Dom. In exchange, the Dom gives something in return, whether it be pleasure, a lesson, discipline, any number of things. For M and I, I have given him the ultimate say in matter regarding our relationship, and to some extent our life. He has the final say, always. In exchange, I get to let go of certain stressors and work on becoming a better person (with his assistance). He also makes me cum a whole lot. Don’t forget that.

Power exchange is such a hard thing to explain to someone who is not involved in one. At its most basic level, it is simply exchange of power. I give you some of mine, you give me some of yours. But what power do you give, what does it mean? It means different things to different people. It’s about complete trust, to give someone something that they could use to harm you, psychologically and physically. Yet to know that they won’t. That they’ll use it for good. That they know what you need and they’ll give it to you.

And as a sub, sometimes my need is simply to submit, simply to give, to be used, to be a vehicle for His pleasure or release. Simply because I love him.

There are no one-way power exchanges. The trust that a power exchange requires,  in and of itself creates one.

Does this make sense? A power exchange requires a large amount of trust. Because you are giving that to someone, it automatically creates an exchange of power.

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Quick thought: A power exchange can manifest itself in many different forms. It can involve specific ceremony. It can become rules and rituals. It can be discipline and punishment. It can be nothing more than knowing who has what roles and doing them because you have the desire to please.

The comment by Lily is a prime example. People are almost accustom to kinky sex. It’s tolerated in polite society. But when you start talking about “rules” and telling another adult what to do and them obeying… Well, many would think that is a little weird. That’s a little “too far” if you will. That, my friend, is the power exchange. Because the rules are there for a reason, to serve a purpose, to reinforce that exchange of power.

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M and I were having a random discussion about something or another. Perhaps it was regarding someone’s blog post, perhaps it was about something I read or wrote.  Anyway, he says something along the lines of “I don’t really think someone can really be in a D/s dynamic if they aren’t in a relationship.”

Now here are my thoughts… Anyone can have kinky sex. But when you talk about being in a dynamic, engaging in a power exchange, you are talking about something else. It is a different type of relationship, but a relationship, not just a sexual preference. *key difference* I can’t seem to understand how it can be casual. It makes my brain glitch. And maybe this is simply my thinking, conditioning to society norms. I don’t know…

Because to me, my submission is there because of M’s Dominance. I could not do what I do with him with just anyone. It’s so much more than fucking, it’s so much more than kink.  *Damn, I wish I could phrase that differently. Again, I’m not saying it’s better, but almost completely different at a fundamental level.* It’s a part of my love, my devotion.

Do those of you that engage in Dominance and submission get what I’m saying? What about those of you that don’t?

I can bottom to any number of people, be on the receiving end of a spanking, etc, etc. But I’m not going to be collared to them. I’m not going to submit to them. I’m simply going to fuck them. And while it might be a damn good fucking, it is nothing more.

So… I think I lost my direction here. I guess the point was just to say that to me, there is a significant difference between D/s and simply kinky sex and topping/bottoming. There needs to be trust, extreme trust, to give yourself, psychologically, to someone else. To become theirs. To be owned. To submit to their will, without question. Submission is a gift, and should not be given lightly, to just anyone. It is earned and needs to be deserved.

And I guess I don’t understand how casual sex fits into D/s. How do you give yourself in that way casually? Can you be submissive, engage in a power exchange, and it not mean more, so much more? I just don’t know…

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Happy (late) anniversary Sir. I love you. More than words can say. You make me happier than I ever imagined life could be. Thank you. For everything. xoxo

The Desire to Touch…

Ok, so I gave in, and interestingly enough, decided to read the second 50 Shades (much better than the first, mind you), but at the beginning of the book, I was struck by something I don’t think I mentioned before, and found myself compelled to write this, while sitting at the garage, waiting for my car to get inspected.

Grey, in all his Domishness, does not like to be touched. It’s his hard limit. None of his subs have ever been allowed to touch him, per the signed contract. This bother me, immensely.

As a submissive, I have an innate desire to please, and not just day to day. And not just in the realm of kinky, subservitude. In that desire, there is also the need to pleasure:  to touch, suck and feel my Sir. To do unthinkable things to him and make him wither in ecstasy. I want to bind him, not to dominate, but to be given the opportunity to ravish him. Worship him. Kiss, lick, and touch him to the point where he groans aloud when I wrap my warm, moist mouth around his cock. To have him so sensitive from my treatment of him that his whole body becomes an erogenous zone. A brush of lips against his collar bode, the raking of my nails across his chest, that these things will make his cock throb with wanting release. To treat him and his body like the god he has become to me.

Is this desire “normal” for a sub? I don’t know. But how sad to give yourself, body and soul, over to a Dom and be denied the pleasure of experiencing their body in all its glory… To be denied this opportunity, to me, is a denial of love, a denial of mutual respect (which for those of you not in the lifestyle, it might not seem like it, but mutual respect is a MUST for anyone with a power exchange), a denial of all things sexual. A denial of shared experience. It would hinder my growth, both as a lover and as a sub. I’d say it’s a hard limit for me…

*hugs and kisses* y’all.

Unexpected Benefits of a D/s Relationship

Image of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the weekend, I was doing some back reading, still catching up on blog posts that I haven’t had time to get to.  I was over at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds and reading this post by Jake, and it got me thinking.  I’ve talked about this briefly, here and there, since the big blow out with M occurred over six weeks ago, but I don’t think I’ve really discussed it in detail, or really explained what I meant by it.

M and I have always (maybe not always, but for the last year or so) had a great marriage and fantastic sex.  Fantastic.  We’ve fucked regularly, two to three times a week at a minimum,  got along well, and loved to experiment with one another.  Everyone who knew us, knew we loved one another and I’ve even had friends tell me that they envied our marriage and what we have with one another.  Well, near the end of April, we had some…  um, changes, occur.  We had a big ol’ fight, and, afterwards, had a long, sit-down, gut-spilling talk.  Throughout this, I opened up to M about my desire to add an aspect of submission to our relationship.  He asked for details, which I gave, and finally showed him LSAM, which he knew about, but had never read.  Well, as most of you know, blogging is very personal.  When I was writing, I wrote with the intent that M (nor anyone I knew) would never be reading it, and I spilled my guts here:  my thoughts, desires, fantasies.  LSAM was able to clarify to M what I wanted, where I had the desire for our relationship to go…

And go there it did.  Relatively quickly.  That night, M fucked me, hard, aggressive, rough, things that have always been there in our sex life, but now he was asserting them with a deeper purpose, to demonstrate his dominance over me.  Well, things continued to progress, and now, I would be safe to say, we have a D/s relationship.  Mostly in the bedroom, but even somethings have leaked out into our day-to-day, outside locked doors life.

So, my dear friends and readers, there were somethings that I expected when we embraced BDSM into our relationship.  Things like kinkier sex.  Check.  Things like opening up to each other about our sexual fantasies a little more.  Check.  Rougher sex.  Done.  More toys.  Done.  I expected changes to our sex life, and these have occurred and we are both more satisfied than we have ever been in the past.

• Falling in Love:  What I didn’t anticipate, yet again, how silly LSAM, was the actual changes in our relationship.  We are closer than we have ever been.  I have always loved M.  I’ve never doubted that, and, I believe (hope) that he feels the same way too.  But we have been together for almost ten years.  Ten years is a long time.  We were still close, but, after so long, you get into routines, habits, etc.  I loved him, but I don’t know if I could actually say that I was “in love” with him.  Meaning that he had my heart, but love was not necessarily a living, breathing element in our lives.  I must say, that throughout this new adventure, my love for him has grown.  I am again in love with my husband.  I think about him all day, at work, at play, always, he is on my mind.  Everyday it grows.  I see things, hear things out and about during my day, and I instantly want to share it with him (thank the gods for texting).  Because of this simple change, we talk so much more.  We text back and forth through out the day.  We call each other when time permits.  We meet for lunch when we both end up in the same area (and sometimes we squeeze in a quickly in the back of his semi).  We spend time together, not just with each other.  We engage the other in our life and share it with one another, instead of just beside one another.
• Affection:  Again, M and I had a great marriage.  We were affectionate.  We hugged.  We kissed.  We fucked.  But that was about the end of it.  We each had our own things going on, which often took away from each other.  We would give each other a “smooch” in the morning, before leaving for work, and again at night, before we would go to bed.  But, now…  Christ.  The first thing I do when I get home from work is wrap my arms around him, and pull his lips to mine.  And embrace.  There are no more running-out-the-door pecks on the cheeks; now there is physical manifestations of our desires for each other.
  

  Deutsch: Lesbische Zweisamkeit im Bett (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Sleep:  When we are living in our own home with our own things, M and I sleep in a king size bed.  He may spoon me for a few minutes, or I may have spooned him, but then we each had our own side of the bed, and we typically stayed on it.  Then we moved into my pops.  And in our room, there was a double and a single.  M, well he’s a pretty big boy (over 10 inches taller than my 5’5″) so the double was rather crowed, so he slept there and I slept in the single.  Until the fight happened.  Then that night, I asked to sleep with him.  And he held me all night.  And that is where I have slept every single night since, with my head on his chest, and his arm around me.
• PDAs:  M has never been one for public displays of affection.  Never.  Fuck, the day after we got home from our honeymoon, we were walking into Wal-mart, and I reached out to grab his hand, and he pulled away from me, saying, tongue-in-cheek (sort of), “The honeymoon is over, LSAM.  No more hand holding.”  And this is just how it was.  M really didn’t like holding hands.  He didn’t like kissing me, more than a quick kiss, around others.  There was no public touching or lingering kisses at parties or such thing.  Fuck, I don’t even know if M ever french kissed me unless we were alone or behind a closed-door.  And this is just how it was.  How I thought it always would be.  But now…  now we can’t get enough of one another.  Yesterday, we were at the beach, and more than once we were wrapped in one another’s arms, lip locked for a moment or two.  We held hands while we walked from the water to the swing set with the children.  A few weeks ago, we went out with a friend, who kept yelling at M, because, although our friend sat at the other side of the table, he could still see M’s hand slipping beneath the hem of my skirt, running up my legs.  Fuck, it’s fantastic.
• Communication:  As Jake says in his post, communication becomes so much better in a BDSM relationship.  It has to.  We are now open and honest about so many more things.  We share things with each other that we had never shared with others.  We talk about our deepest, darkest thoughts.  We talk about things that we would like to try and discuss.  We talk about the cute bartender or the hot guy at the local hardware store.  We talk about things that we would have been afraid of before, because now we are more secure not only with each other, but in our relationship.  We talk about these things, not only to share, but to keep each other updated with what is going on in our heads.  And in our hearts.  And in our pants.
• Closeness:  Most importantly, the biggest change in our relationship is how close we have become, based, in part, from all of these things mentioned above.  M has become my best friend.  My confidant.  Although we had these aspects before, to an extent, they were no where close to what they are like now.  I have never been closer to another person in my life.  Never.  And it’s fucking fantastic and indescribable.  In this brief amount of time, I have gotten to know M so much better, and the same goes with him knowing me.  Fuck, I know myself better now than I ever did before.  Perhaps, it is that I now understand myself better than I did before, with the aid of his perspective.
• Sex:  As I stated above, M and I have always had a healthy, active sex life.  There only are two times that we have gone any length of time without fucking:  the first time was when I went to Germany for three weeks in 2004, the second, when M had his vasectomy, followed by the delivery of Bubba, the baby, a few weeks later.  Even with the first two births, it wasn’t more than a week afterwards that we were screwing, abide slowly.  Fuck, I had stitches still in.  But now, since the third week in April, we haven’t gone more than 48 hours with some sort of sexual contact and orgasms.  We are fucking pretty much once a day, sometimes more, but have not gone more than two days.  And, christ, the sex is like fantasy sex.  And we’ll just leave it at that.
• Interests:  M and I have always shared common interests.  Golf.  Sex.  Skiing.  Sex.  Hiking.  Sex.  Camping.  But we found ourselves in a situation, where, day-to-day, we would come home from work, do dinner, bath, and bed, then M would settle into his Lazyboy, and I my couch.  He would watch television, while I would type away at the computer.  Each of us doing our own thing, paying little attention to the other or what they were doing.  If he found something interesting, he pursued it on his own, and vis-versa.  Now, we share these things.  Recently, M has even begun studying Buddhism with me.  Sharing these types of things just never happened before, but now…  hell, now we talk about everything that crosses our minds.
• Becoming Sexier:  I don’t really know why, perhaps it is simply because we were having more sex, perhaps it’s because we both like it when I dress up, but regardless of the reason, I went and bought a lot of new panties.  And four new pair of stilettos.  And new bras.  And I wear them all the time.  And I send him pics of them every day.  As demanded by M.  Fuck, today the rule changed, and now, specifically, an ass picture must be included at some point throughout the day.  Hell, soon M will be able to identify all the different public restrooms in the county!  Anyway, I feel sexier.  Every day.  And, when you feel sexier…
• Becoming Healthier:  If you followed LSAM through the month of March, you may know that it was a shitty fucking time.  And I started abusing my body.  There was so much to do, and so much going on, that I found myself surviving on Adderall and coffee, and sleeping no more than four hours a night (to those of you that scolded me about this, you were right…).  Needless to say, this is not healthy for one’s body or mind.  Take this into consideration, along with the fact that with the “displaced housing” situation I quit working out, my health was put on the back-burner.  M has put his foot down, and we are now making healthier decisions with each other.  Working out together.  Planning meals together.  Supporting each other.
• Becoming a Better Person:  And the biggest thing that I never expected from being in a D/s relationship, it is making me into a better person.  A better wife.  A better mother.  A better friend.  Now, if I’m loosing my patience with the children, M can point it out to me, and I don’t freak out on him, but take a step back, a deep breath, and start over.  Because I know he is not telling me this out of spite or to be a dickhead.  He is telling me this because he loves me, because he wants me to be the best I can be, because he sees, when I can’t, what an incredible person I can be.

So, my fellow pervs, you can see where my surprise came from, when all of this transpired from the power exchange that we engaged in.  I don’t know how.  I don’t know why.  I just know that I am one fucking lucky girl…  *hugs and kisses*

And…  the song of the day…  One of my all time favorites that came across the radio on my way home from work…

Sometimes I’m a Brat

Image of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t really want to be, but sometimes it just comes out of me.  Being new to the whole BDSM thing, especially as a mainstay in our lifestyle, is pretty damn interesting, to say the least. And the first month has been fucking fantastic.  But damn.  Sometimes this shit just pours out of my mouth, well before it hits my brain.  As soon as I hear myself say it, I’m like, “Wtf LSAM!  Are you even thinking?”  And most of the time it’s stupid shit.  Dumb, bratty shit.

But, see, I’ve only had very few real punishments.  Oh, they’ve been there, but never as a main event.  Never as in “LSAM, you’ve fucked up, and now you are going to have to pay for that.”  See, you must understand, given our current living situation, most of the time our antics must be quiet.  We don’t need to be waking up the kids (we do that enough already) or keeping the folks up half the night.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been the  handful of times when opportunities arose (or were created) where we could do whatever the fuck we wanted, when we wanted, and as loud as we wanted.  And I’ve earned the welts to prove it. ** Sidenote:  Can I just say that I can’t fucking wait until we move into our house?  Shit.  Fuck.  Damn!**  But day-to-day, that’s not the case.  Day-to-day, I very well may get a spanking.  But these are light and fun.  There may be a hard slap now and again, but in general, it is all done with M’s hand or the flogger.  Both of these are mostly play toys.  Not saying that M can’t do fucking damage with his hand (the other day, his fingers were visible on my left leg for hours), but even that tends to get too loud.

So…  my bratty mouth seems to recognize this… and act accordingly.  I’m only sassy, crass, and rude when I can’t get in physical trouble.  And after it happens, I may get a spanking, but, again, nothing that doesn’t end up pleasurable.  But still, when I’m in these moods, I’ll fight it.  Struggle, wiggle around, be a brat.  Get mean and try to dictate what should happen while I’m over M’s knee.  Let’s just say that doesn’t go over too well.

And as I’d think it over the next day, I couldn’t figure it out.  But I think I may have.  **Oh, so many things that I didn’t understand**  I want to punished.  I feel the need to be punished.  And in my head, if I’m not being punished, then I’m going to do something that is going to get me in trouble.  “Why the fuck not?” my bratty half asks.  Either I’m going to get punished for it or I’m going to get away with it.  Either way I win.

Image of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But that’s not really the case.  Apparently that part of my brain is stuck in adolescence.  Because the thing is, I want to please M.  It makes me feel whole to make him happy.  I want to be a good little girl.  I want him to look at me with pride in his eyes.  This, I believe, has become the goal of my submission.

Hell, this very well might be the point of anyone’s submission, I don’t fucking know.  But it’s one of those things that I didn’t realize I wanted/needed.  When I first started to foster the submissive side of myself, I don’t know if I truly recognized it for what it was.  I thought it was about sex.  I thought it was about giving up control.  Being free by having let go of responsibilities for a brief moment in a busy life. At first, I thought it would just be in the bedroom.  Thought it was simply for fun and games.  That is was simply to get off.

But, damn, that is so not the case.  It has grown in me to something so much more.  Something that I want nurtured and developed.  Someone that I need to be.  It truly has become a lifestyle…

Responsibilities of a Submissive (Stolen)

la dame sans merci VIII (Photo credit: sweethell)

I’ve stumbled upon this a few times now, and although I have a few posts started, nothing is ready tonight.  And, being since it is Sunday and hence, stealing is allowed, I thought why not pass it on.  From what I could find, the original author is unknown.  The italics are my additional thoughts on the matter, just because I felt like chirping in.

Responsibilities of a Submissive

• Never expect to have your Dominant live your life for you.
• Keep up with your own personal self-growth, a Dominant should not have to tell you how to grow, but be a guide on your journey. You are ultimately in charge of taking the right path.
• If you do not live with your Dominant, don’t expect him to know when your bills are due, pay the rent, or solve your drippy faucet problem. (Your Dominant will admire that you took care of it so responsibly!)  Even if you live with your Dom, do not rely on him for everything.  Learn to do things on your own.  At least try.  Or ask to be taught.  Sometimes a leaky faucet is simply the turn of a wrench.  You will never know what you are capable of unless you try…
• Take care of your health. A Dominant expects a healthy submissive, one who cares about her body and mind. (No, this does not mean you have to be perfect, but you should be fit.)  And you should not be doing this for your Dom, you should do it for you.  Because by doing it for him, are you really caring for you?
• Don’t be afraid to let your Dominant know when you are having a bad day. It’s normal and happens to everyone. You should never have to worry that he will not understand, but neither should you make him into your own personal counselor.  If he doesn’t understand, he is not a good Dom.  But also understand, that just because you are having a bad day, does NOT mean that his plans need to change. 
• Listen to your gut. Most times, we avoid doing this as usually we are hearing something we would rather not believe, but putting off facing the truth, will only make for a longer, harder road to walk.
• If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your Dominant or a trustworthy friend, keep a journal. Track your own feelings and growth. Stagnancy is a killer.
• Never forget that as you serve your Dominant, you should also feel just as special and treasured in return. D/s is a two way street, you should be getting back as much as your are putting forth. If this is not the case, do not be afraid to journey alone for a time. Submission is not made or broken by having a Dominant.  I love this last line, and it is so true, although I had never realized it before I saw this.  And remember, just because you are submissive, does not mean that you are less in the relationship.  A Dom needs a sub as much as a sub needs a Dom.
• Be responsible for your own personal happiness. While our Dominants fulfill all those long unaddressed needs within ourselves to release control, serve to make another happy with our deeds, it does not mean we can stop looking inside, or that happiness is a given. We all make our own happiness, we shouldn’t rely on any other to make it for us. If you are unhappy with yourself, there is really no way you will make a pleasing submissive, for any Dominant worth his salt will recognize it within you. While he can point you in the right direction and accompany you on the road to growth, at the end of the day, you are still in command of your ability to be happy or unhappy. It may not be an easy journey to find happiness, but the end result will always make the effort to grow and evolve a wonderful one. Take responsiblity for you. 

Song of the day…

Addicted by Saving Abel

Karma’s a Bitch: On Becoming Submissive

Good morning my dear readers…

Image of sado-masochism (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As many of you may know, I have been struggling sometime with the power dynamic in my relationship with M (this can be seen in multiple back posts including here and here and here).  I could never find the way to verbalize what I wanted to M, in a way that made me still feel submissive.  After all, if I ask him to pin me down and fuck me, spank me until my ass is candy apple red, or fuck my face like I’m a dirty slut…  well, that’s not very submissive.  That’s not letting him take the reins and steer the relationship to where he wants it to go.  It’s not letting him dominate a fucking thing.  If I would ask for these things, it’s just me, still in control, pretending to be submissive.  Kind of fucks with the whole idea.  It does not set up the dynamic I was seeking, the power exchange between a man and a woman.  A true D/s relationship.  It would all be role play, me topping from the bottom.  idk.  It just wasn’t right.

And, many of you, my lovely little pervs, you offered your advice, shared your experiences, and showed different ways in which I could begin implementing D/s into my relationship.  Well, it was slow, that’s for sure.  It was simple things at first.  Being barefoot.  Trying to be compliant, complacent in my relationship, traditional, if you will.  I attempted to be pleasing to M, pamper him when I could.

And the thing is…  The thing that surprised me most of all, was not the changes I noticed in M, but the changes I noticed in myself.  Because who the fuck knows if he even noticed.  But I did.  My mind did.  When I’d get home from work, and take my heels off, there would be a twinge of excitement run through me.  I would find myself eager to please him, get him something to drink, serve him in anyway I could.  It excited me.  Made me wet.  Ha.  I thought I was submissive before, but acting such, even if no one knew I was doing it but me, well…  it turned me the fuck on.

So that has been going on for a while…  And were there changes in M?  Slight, maybe.  He became a bit more verbally demanding in our day-to-day.  In bed, well, our sex life has been evolving for the last year, more kinks added, more aggressive.  And through this, these subliminal submissive changes I was making, things did change slightly in the bedroom.  Was it M, unconsciously picking up on my submission?  Idk.  I think more likely it was me, just being more submissive, and being aware of it.  But, regardless of how things were progressing, it was slow, and my loves, patience is not one of my virtues.  It was not where I wanted it.  Not even close to the extremes that I imagined.

And then…  this weekend.  I fucked up.  I busted myself in a lie.  And it blew up in my face.  Things came out from years ago.  Things I’d kept hidden.  M asked questions and I laid it all out on the table.  All of it.  Told him things I didn’t want to.  Things I’ve been ashamed of.  Things I have done that I knew were wrong to do, that could hurt our relationship.  And they came very close.  Any question he asked me, I answered, as honestly as I could.  There was a point where he told me if it wasn’t for the children, he’d be gone.  This led me to have a bit of a breakdown, and those of you that I reached out to, thank you dearly for your time, thoughts, and words.

M, while, obviously, he was upset with me.  I’ve violated his trust in more ways than he knew.  And he put his foot down on my ass.  Demanded things of me that I was not sure I wanted to give up.  But he was taking control of the situation, whether I wanted it or not.

Fucking karma.  Here, for months, I have been trying to figure out ways in which tomake M man

leash_girls (Photo credit: CapesTreasures.com)

up and take control of our relationship.  Dominate, not just in the bedroom, but in the whole of our life.  And doesn’t it fucking figure…  I get what I want, but in such an unexpected way.  Karma.  Go fucking figure.

But, last night, we had this discussion.  He tells me we need to talk.  I agree.  We go upstairs after the children go to sleep…  And part of my brain is like “fuck.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of fighting.”  But then, he says something along the lines of “This domination thing.  Explain it to me.”  And I do.  And he asks some questions.  And I answer them.  He asks me if I’d like him to do xyz, if that would be okay.  And my response is “honey, you don’t ever have to ask me if will be okay.”  So the conversation progresses.  And…

Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  Dominate he did.  Claim me as his.  Yes.  Finally, my heart and pussy sang out.  Finally!

Isn’t funny, dear readers, how when we want things, we don’t always know what we will get.  Sometimes they happen in the most unfamiliar way possible.  Come in packages where we would not expect them.  Even yesterday morning, talking to a friend, I was worried.  Couldn’t see the forest through the trees.  Well, friend, you were right.  M, he has found his ground.  Defined his role.  Dominated.

Christ, am I a happy girl this morning…

And, a song that has nothing to do with anything, except that it talks about the good things…

Zac Brown Band Chicken Fried

Novice Thoughts on BDSM

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday, M, me and the family all headed to Cabela’s.  We were in the car for almost two hours each way, which gave me the opportunity to catch up on some of my readings (although I really should have worked on my story…  February 28th is just around the corner).  I brought Patricia Payne’s Sex Tips From a Dominatrix, and read just about the whole thing on the trip…  So here we go…  my novice thoughts on BDSM.

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I have my kinks.  I always have.  I like to be spanked.  I like to be tied down.  I like dirty talk (“Umm….  yes I am a dirty little slut”).  But I don’t know if I ever really identified as a masochist, or even as a submissive (although I am submissive, using the verb, not the noun).  But I never really had the desire to search out a Dom.  I don’t have the intrinsic need for extremes, and I could not imagine paying someone to let me be submissive or being involved in such an intimate relationship outside my primary partner.  To be one of many, to have a professional Dom, seemed to defeat the purpose for me.  When I am submissive, when I solely want to please, I do it because it allows me to give up control, to embrace myself in a moment where thought and ego go away, replaced with obedience and trust.  Trust.  And while a large part of my submissiveness is about pleasing M, giving myself to him, there is a huge part where I trust him to give me pleasure.  I trust in him to make me want to cum, because it pleases him when I do.

Payne described it perfectly for me:  ”The scene is not so much about pain and suffering as you may have been led to believe.  The essence of S&M is not about historical oppression or pathological subjugation.  It is about the consensual exchange of power that exists between sexual partners.  It is taking someone to the brink.”  This is what I want, a relinquishing of power.  I am giving myself to you, to do with as you please, for both your pleasure and mine.

Ha!  In rereading that, it amazes me that I never really considered myself a sub.  But recently, I have come to terms with the fact that although I don’t really consider myself a submissive, I definitely identify as a bottom.  (Or maybe a SAM — but only because I like to tease…  and be punished accordingly).  What’s the difference?  Well, according to Payne, a slave is someone living the lifestyle, all day everyday, in and out of the bedroom.  A submissive (Sub) “surrenders physical and mental control within an intimate BDSM relationship, but generally independent and

Image via Wikipedia

in control of his or her life otherwise.”  And finally, me, a bottom:  ”A person who is submissive during a BDSM scene, but not within other aspects of the relationship.”  And then we have my bratty side, the SAM — Smart-Ass Masochist — “A masochist or bottom who deliberately provokes a dominant.”

Where I am confused, dear reader, is I don’t know if M identifies as a Top (“A person who sexually dominates a submissive, but does not control other aspects of their relationship”).  I guess by definition, if I a bottom, and he contributes to that on a sexual level, then he would be my Top.  But I don’t know if that is how he thinks of himself.  Does he do it only because it turns me on?  Or does he find innate pleasure in it as well?  I really don’t know.  I have mentioned before that M’s kinks, at least those he embraces, are those that I have instilled in our relationship.  My kinks have become his.

And if it is solely for me, where do I take it from here?  Light BDSM is something relatively new in our relationship, in a matter of speaking.  While M would smack my ass, pull my hair,  and do little things like that before, most aspects are recent.  The flogging.  Putting me over his knee (which he is still hesitant on).  Control of sexual situations.  Making demands.  I want to take it further, fully embrace it, see how far our comfort levels will allow us to go.  Gagging.  Restraint.  But I can’t bring myself to ask for it…  And it’s not fear, or even embarrassment, that makes me hesitate.  It’s that I want him to do it because he wants it, because it turns him on.  Not just to please me…  After all, my primary goal is to please him.  So where do I go from here?

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This post did not go the way I anticipated…  That seems to be happening to me a lot recently.  I start off over there and end up way over here.  I didn’t discuss what I came to discuss, so, dear reader, be prepared for some more BDSM stuff cumming up soon!

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