Okay… So, if you are a regular reader, I suppose I owe you some sort of explanation as to what has gone on the last few weeks. If you don’t care, great, come back another day. If you do, read on. But don’t expect much. I’m giving you the bare bones, the most that I can, given the situation, without causing more damage…
So, it started a few weeks ago, and I detailed a bit of it here, here, and here. If you haven’t read them, don’t bother. It’s really not that exciting. Basically, I fucked up. I was playing around with a friend, in a manner that I considered harmless. M, once he found out, did not so much consider it playing. Nor harmless. Had the situation been reversed, I very well may feel the same way he does. Maybe, maybe not. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I hurt him. And, at the moment it happened, he didn’t know if he could get over it. I kind of pulled the ground out from under him, and he had to reframe both himself and our relationship in his mind. This is currently being accomplished. But it is not easy. And I must be patient.
And, remember, I confessed. During an innocent incidence, I started to lie to him (by no means my first mistake, but a mistake nonetheless), and then was like, “What the fuck, LSAM, why are you lying?” So I told M I was lying, and then told him the truth… Well, not quite. I told him a partial truth. A lie of omission. As that day rolled into the next, things got worse. That night, he was fucking furious. Perhaps the most angry I have ever seen. So, I laid everything on the table. “What do you want to know? Ask anything.” And he did. And I was honest. And, at times, it fucking sucked. But I offered and I promised to be 100% real, and therefore I tried to be.
If you’ve followed along, you know there were ups and downs. I would think things were okay, then I’d get slapped in the face by the reality of the matter. The fact is, yesterday was our anniversary. Married for 7 years. 7 mostly happy years. And the last year and a half, the best yet. Fucking fantastic, the last year and a half have been. And I made M feel like it was all a lie, although it wasn’t. I gave him the impression that I was unhappy in our relationship and looking elsewhere, although I wasn’t. I simply stumbled onto a situation and dove in… I believe I once told a friend that I was “doing me.” What the fuck. It is what it is. I didn’t consider what I was doing cheating, although M (as well as a friend or two) did. And perhaps if in his shoes, I would have to. Who knows. But now it’s up to me to rebuild that trust, and put the foundation back into our marriage.
And we are. As discussed in Karma’s a Bitch, M has stepped up and embraced the Alpha role. He has found his inner dominate, and is demonstrating it all over the place. There are bruises and welts on my ass to prove it. But it’s more than in the bedroom. It’s in life. Which is what I wanted. I wanted to let go. To have someone else take the control from me. And he has. But it has come at some costs…
I am now watched. All the time. And in ways that I probably don’t even know. But that is okay. Because I want transparency. I want him to see that I am sorry I’ve hurt him. Disappointed him. Displeased him. So if he needs to see what I’m doing 24/7, so be it. Transparency. That, I believe, will be the savior of it all.
I have also had to give up some things that I cared about. New information that I was learning, studying. There is a chance that I can earn this back, because M sees that it was important to me. Tonight, he even mentioned that he may be interested in studying with me. This made my heart “pitter-patter” but I will not get excited about it until it occurs. Because, well, M… he’s still wading through the mess. He is now on solid ground. Has his feet beneath him again. But he’s still walking through the muck. Trying to decipher what is there, decode the fragments that have been left behind, not necessarily telling the whole story, but simply bits and pieces.
And although I truly believe that he wants to believe what I say is the truth, I have broken the trust that he relied on for that. And not just now, but in the past as well. And my track record is not good, dear reader. In every other relationship I’ve had before M, I fucked around. Every single one. And I’ve never “cheated” on M, if you only count fucking as cheating. But I’m not naive enough to understand that many consider much less cheating, regardless of where I set my standards. And M, he knows this. I’ve been honest with him about my past since the beginning. So, I understand that he has little to go on when I say what happened was not a big deal. That it won’t happen again. Because, as M well knows, it might. Regardless of what I say. Regardless of how much I love him. Simply because I am me, with my patterns of behaviors. With my limited coping skills. With my habits of selfish decision making. Simply put, because I, LSAM, tend to “do me.”
But I hope that this is wrong. People change. I see it everyday. It’s not easy. But I can become a person who doesn’t stray. Who doesn’t only think of themselves when they act. Most often, I am that person. Just at times, I’m not. At times, I think solely of myself, and my wants and desires. And it’s not that I want to hurt anyone, it’s just that I’m concerned about me.
What the fuck. I’m done ranting about this. I don’t know if I explained a fucking thing. Oh, well. The only reason, dear reader, that I’m even offering you an explanation, is because so many of you lovely friends, reached out to me, both publicly here and privately, and offered your support. For that I am grateful. And, secondly, I fucked up and I need to own that. Take some accountability. I stand here, just about everyday, on a fucking soap box, ranting about what a good marriage I have and how to make a LTR work. And the fact remains, I do have a good marriage. A great one in fact. And being that M and I are working through this, it just proves it to me even more. But, people, no matter what, we are all real. We are human. And therefore flawed. And those flaws make us fuck up sometimes. Become selfish. Inconsiderate. Biased to our own will.
And as a last note, M was unsure during all this as to where I stood in our marriage. There were points when he thought perhaps I wanted to leave. That he wasn’t enough. That I was unhappy and/or unfulfilled in our relationship. But he was wrong. I am none of those things. So I opened him up to LSAM. I showed him specific posts, about us, about our marriage, about my feelings. And, my lovely little pervs, it’s done wonders. He gets it. He sees my love for him and our life in my words. I believe it comes across in those posts that are about us. At least I hope… (And on a completely different level, this has done fucking wonders for my sex life — it’s given M a window into my mind and… well, fuck. It’s abso-fucking-lutely amazing — don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll tell you about it soon enough).
And, thank you, my friends and readers, for letting me rant. For lending a shoulder. For listening. For understanding.
And this one goes out to you my friends… for being just that…
James Taylor — You’ve Got a Friend