Good morning my dear readers…
As many of you may know, I have been struggling sometime with the power dynamic in my relationship with M (this can be seen in multiple back posts including here and here and here). I could never find the way to verbalize what I wanted to M, in a way that made me still feel submissive. After all, if I ask him to pin me down and fuck me, spank me until my ass is candy apple red, or fuck my face like I’m a dirty slut… well, that’s not very submissive. That’s not letting him take the reins and steer the relationship to where he wants it to go. It’s not letting him dominate a fucking thing. If I would ask for these things, it’s just me, still in control, pretending to be submissive. Kind of fucks with the whole idea. It does not set up the dynamic I was seeking, the power exchange between a man and a woman. A true D/s relationship. It would all be role play, me topping from the bottom. idk. It just wasn’t right.
And, many of you, my lovely little pervs, you offered your advice, shared your experiences, and showed different ways in which I could begin implementing D/s into my relationship. Well, it was slow, that’s for sure. It was simple things at first. Being barefoot. Trying to be compliant, complacent in my relationship, traditional, if you will. I attempted to be pleasing to M, pamper him when I could.
And the thing is… The thing that surprised me most of all, was not the changes I noticed in M, but the changes I noticed in myself. Because who the fuck knows if he even noticed. But I did. My mind did. When I’d get home from work, and take my heels off, there would be a twinge of excitement run through me. I would find myself eager to please him, get him something to drink, serve him in anyway I could. It excited me. Made me wet. Ha. I thought I was submissive before, but acting such, even if no one knew I was doing it but me, well… it turned me the fuck on.
So that has been going on for a while… And were there changes in M? Slight, maybe. He became a bit more verbally demanding in our day-to-day. In bed, well, our sex life has been evolving for the last year, more kinks added, more aggressive. And through this, these subliminal submissive changes I was making, things did change slightly in the bedroom. Was it M, unconsciously picking up on my submission? Idk. I think more likely it was me, just being more submissive, and being aware of it. But, regardless of how things were progressing, it was slow, and my loves, patience is not one of my virtues. It was not where I wanted it. Not even close to the extremes that I imagined.
And then… this weekend. I fucked up. I busted myself in a lie. And it blew up in my face. Things came out from years ago. Things I’d kept hidden. M asked questions and I laid it all out on the table. All of it. Told him things I didn’t want to. Things I’ve been ashamed of. Things I have done that I knew were wrong to do, that could hurt our relationship. And they came very close. Any question he asked me, I answered, as honestly as I could. There was a point where he told me if it wasn’t for the children, he’d be gone. This led me to have a bit of a breakdown, and those of you that I reached out to, thank you dearly for your time, thoughts, and words.
M, while, obviously, he was upset with me. I’ve violated his trust in more ways than he knew. And he put his foot down on my ass. Demanded things of me that I was not sure I wanted to give up. But he was taking control of the situation, whether I wanted it or not.
Fucking karma. Here, for months, I have been trying to figure out ways in which tomake M man
up and take control of our relationship. Dominate, not just in the bedroom, but in the whole of our life. And doesn’t it fucking figure… I get what I want, but in such an unexpected way. Karma. Go fucking figure.
But, last night, we had this discussion. He tells me we need to talk. I agree. We go upstairs after the children go to sleep… And part of my brain is like “fuck. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of fighting.” But then, he says something along the lines of “This domination thing. Explain it to me.” And I do. And he asks some questions. And I answer them. He asks me if I’d like him to do xyz, if that would be okay. And my response is “honey, you don’t ever have to ask me if will be okay.” So the conversation progresses. And…
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Dominate he did. Claim me as his. Yes. Finally, my heart and pussy sang out. Finally!
Isn’t funny, dear readers, how when we want things, we don’t always know what we will get. Sometimes they happen in the most unfamiliar way possible. Come in packages where we would not expect them. Even yesterday morning, talking to a friend, I was worried. Couldn’t see the forest through the trees. Well, friend, you were right. M, he has found his ground. Defined his role. Dominated.
Christ, am I a happy girl this morning…
And, a song that has nothing to do with anything, except that it talks about the good things…
Zac Brown Band Chicken Fried