Karma’s a Bitch: On Becoming Submissive

Good morning my dear readers…

Image of sado-masochism (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As many of you may know, I have been struggling sometime with the power dynamic in my relationship with M (this can be seen in multiple back posts including here and here and here).  I could never find the way to verbalize what I wanted to M, in a way that made me still feel submissive.  After all, if I ask him to pin me down and fuck me, spank me until my ass is candy apple red, or fuck my face like I’m a dirty slut…  well, that’s not very submissive.  That’s not letting him take the reins and steer the relationship to where he wants it to go.  It’s not letting him dominate a fucking thing.  If I would ask for these things, it’s just me, still in control, pretending to be submissive.  Kind of fucks with the whole idea.  It does not set up the dynamic I was seeking, the power exchange between a man and a woman.  A true D/s relationship.  It would all be role play, me topping from the bottom.  idk.  It just wasn’t right.

And, many of you, my lovely little pervs, you offered your advice, shared your experiences, and showed different ways in which I could begin implementing D/s into my relationship.  Well, it was slow, that’s for sure.  It was simple things at first.  Being barefoot.  Trying to be compliant, complacent in my relationship, traditional, if you will.  I attempted to be pleasing to M, pamper him when I could.

And the thing is…  The thing that surprised me most of all, was not the changes I noticed in M, but the changes I noticed in myself.  Because who the fuck knows if he even noticed.  But I did.  My mind did.  When I’d get home from work, and take my heels off, there would be a twinge of excitement run through me.  I would find myself eager to please him, get him something to drink, serve him in anyway I could.  It excited me.  Made me wet.  Ha.  I thought I was submissive before, but acting such, even if no one knew I was doing it but me, well…  it turned me the fuck on.

So that has been going on for a while…  And were there changes in M?  Slight, maybe.  He became a bit more verbally demanding in our day-to-day.  In bed, well, our sex life has been evolving for the last year, more kinks added, more aggressive.  And through this, these subliminal submissive changes I was making, things did change slightly in the bedroom.  Was it M, unconsciously picking up on my submission?  Idk.  I think more likely it was me, just being more submissive, and being aware of it.  But, regardless of how things were progressing, it was slow, and my loves, patience is not one of my virtues.  It was not where I wanted it.  Not even close to the extremes that I imagined.

And then…  this weekend.  I fucked up.  I busted myself in a lie.  And it blew up in my face.  Things came out from years ago.  Things I’d kept hidden.  M asked questions and I laid it all out on the table.  All of it.  Told him things I didn’t want to.  Things I’ve been ashamed of.  Things I have done that I knew were wrong to do, that could hurt our relationship.  And they came very close.  Any question he asked me, I answered, as honestly as I could.  There was a point where he told me if it wasn’t for the children, he’d be gone.  This led me to have a bit of a breakdown, and those of you that I reached out to, thank you dearly for your time, thoughts, and words.

M, while, obviously, he was upset with me.  I’ve violated his trust in more ways than he knew.  And he put his foot down on my ass.  Demanded things of me that I was not sure I wanted to give up.  But he was taking control of the situation, whether I wanted it or not.

Fucking karma.  Here, for months, I have been trying to figure out ways in which tomake M man

leash_girls (Photo credit: CapesTreasures.com)

up and take control of our relationship.  Dominate, not just in the bedroom, but in the whole of our life.  And doesn’t it fucking figure…  I get what I want, but in such an unexpected way.  Karma.  Go fucking figure.

But, last night, we had this discussion.  He tells me we need to talk.  I agree.  We go upstairs after the children go to sleep…  And part of my brain is like “fuck.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of fighting.”  But then, he says something along the lines of “This domination thing.  Explain it to me.”  And I do.  And he asks some questions.  And I answer them.  He asks me if I’d like him to do xyz, if that would be okay.  And my response is “honey, you don’t ever have to ask me if will be okay.”  So the conversation progresses.  And…

Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  Dominate he did.  Claim me as his.  Yes.  Finally, my heart and pussy sang out.  Finally!

Isn’t funny, dear readers, how when we want things, we don’t always know what we will get.  Sometimes they happen in the most unfamiliar way possible.  Come in packages where we would not expect them.  Even yesterday morning, talking to a friend, I was worried.  Couldn’t see the forest through the trees.  Well, friend, you were right.  M, he has found his ground.  Defined his role.  Dominated.

Christ, am I a happy girl this morning…

And, a song that has nothing to do with anything, except that it talks about the good things…

Zac Brown Band Chicken Fried

Thoughts on Being Bi

Bad day at LSAM’s house.  I dropped M’s laptop, smashing the screen.  Let’s just say that wasn’t fun… My mind isn’t on blogging tonight, so let me apologize upfront.  But I just poured a drink (captain and coke), went and found a little herb (sorry!), and, based on the fact that I just

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fucked up his computer, I’m going to have to give M one hell of a blow job tonight.  Anyway, onto the subject at hand…

Girl on girl sex.

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I’ve had my fair share of girl on girl, but that, it seems, was a life time ago.  I had what I would call, for lack of a better term, an on-again-off-again girlfriend for most of high school.  We continued to fuck around (a bit) in college.  She was the first (and last) girl that I’ve fooled around with, although there were a few in between.  She was the maid of honor in my wedding and is one of the most important people in my life to this day.  My kids call her “Aunt.”

While we did our fair share of fucking with boys’ heads (and bodies) we were together for each other, not for boys or attention.  The first time we kissed was for boys, but after that it was for us.  And it was rare that we would actually have a boy in bed with the both of us that we intended to fuck (not saying it didn’t happen, it just didn’t happen that often).  We each had relationships outside of each other; me, I tended to do the long-term thing, and she tended to just flat-out fuck around.  But we were always with each other more than anyone else — that’s one of the things about being a high school girl, your parents never question another girl spending the night…

There were a few girls out there that I fooled around with.  I had two FFF threesomes.   And there was a bit of kissing and titty play, but this was mostly for show, as boys always liked to watch (I never said I had good self-esteem back then).  And I’ve made out with a few girls that claimed they were curious, but, again, I think a lot of them were doing it because it was “cool.”  After all, well before Katy Perry kissed a girl, there was Jill Sobule doing it too.

I know I never identified as a lesbian.  I always liked cock.  And I always liked it better than pussy.  I don’t even know if I really thought of myself as bi-sexual.  I used to remember telling my “friend” that I wasn’t gay or bi.  That I didn’t really even like girls (lie), only her.

(*brief rant* If you read my blog, you know that I have no issues using the word pussy, but sometimes it just seems …wrong.  Crude.  Especially when talking girl on girl.  I don’t know why, but thought I would mention it due to the fact that I was just sitting here trying to think of another word to use, because cunt isn’t right either* rant over.  Thanks).

And now here I sit, as a 30-something, married woman, and I still don’t know if I identify as being bi.  I like girls.  They’re pretty, and cute, and sexy.  They smell good and feel soft.  They kiss different.  They touch different.  I would still be turned on if I were to give a girl head, to fuck

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around.  Some (a lot) of my fantasizes involve girls.  Fuck, I’m planning on inviting a girl to my bed within the next few months…  But I still don’t know.
I’m curious though…  How many girls out there fuck (fucked) other girls for their own pleasure?  I really don’t know.  At first thought, I think it is probably a lot.  But I sometimes forget that I’m in a different generation now.  I’m a “grown-up” and that life is behind me…  But even at that age, before careers, kids, mortgages, and 401(k)s, is it relatively normal?  Accepted?  I have no idea.

I’m curious as to what you, dear reader, identify as…  Because I don’t really know about myself.

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FYI…  I just had to go back and change the title. This post was not supposed to be personal.  My intent was for an informational post.   Stupid “Week 2.”  It’s got me all reflective and shit.

9 Weeks to Better Sex?

So, reader, I am going to take you on a journey with me.  I subscribe to many blogs, emagazines, newsletters, etc, all focused around sex, relationships, kink…  And one of the random e-mails I was reading through today was from about.com Sexuality site.  It is a “course” for lack of a better term, that sends weekly updates, suggestions, and sex facts that will help lead you to a better sex life in 9 weeks.  M and I have a pretty good sex life, but there is always room for improvement, right?  And, hell, I’m always up for a challenge.

Here we go week 1…

• Forget everything you know about sex–Goodness.  I don’t think I can do this one.  Sex is a huge part of my life.  Not only do I think about it all the time, but I read about it all the time (you should see my download list on my Nook), talk about it often, and try it do it as much as possible.  But the point, I think, is to drop your preconceived notions on sex.  The commercialization of sex.  The insecurities, guilt, shame that you have surrounding sex.
• Ask yourself, “What’s better sex for me?”–Better sex for me would include a little more sex (especially sober sex).  A little more kink.  And a little more squirting.  I think maybe I’m a greedy bitch!
• There is a handful of readings, and I haven’t completed them yet.  Hell, I haven’t even started them.  But I will.  I promise.  The readings are about what sex is, how it can be great, quantity vs. quality, and sexual desires and interests.  I’ll give you updates on these as the week progresses.
• The exercises–This week, there are two.  The first is specifically about communication and verbalizing what you want, specifically.  It gives you prompts about what you think about sex and how you talk about it.  I’ll do this and post it sometime soon.  The second is to imagine that you can only do one sexual act for a week, a month,
  

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  and a year.  What would it be?  This is a tough one.  For all the “sexual acts” that I love, if I could only do one, off the top of my head I would say doggy style.  But then I love to ride on M while he tugs my nipples.  I love to 69.  And I like to masturbate.  If I could only do one thing, would masturbation be it, so I don’t need to rely on anyone other than myself?  I don’t know.  Still thinking about it.  When I post about this at the end of the week, I’ll give you my final answer.  But, dear reader, I’m very interested in your answer…  If you could only engage in one sexual activity for a week, a month, and a year, what would it be?

• Journaling–The last step for the week is journaling about sex and what better sex is to me.  There is a short series of four questions, designed to get you thinking about what you are looking for in your sex life.  I’m going to do these.  I don’t know if I’ll post them or not.  It depends on how they turn out.  If they’re lame, you won’t seem them, if not you will.

Anyway, I’m starting this journey tonight.  And as I am sitting here typing, I’m trying to decide if this will be a sharend or a “secret” journey.  Do I ask M to partake in with me?  Obviously, he’ll play a role either way, but I haven’t decided if he’ll know about it yet.  If anyone is interested, follow this link and do the program.  We’ll see what happens.  I’ll keep you posted!

 

Related articles

• Great Reasons to Have Good Sex (everydayhealth.com)
• Five Ways to a More Exciting Sex Life (socyberty.com)
• How To Have A Good Sex Life (mademan.com)
• 10 Tips On Good Sex (mademan.com)